2011, don't let the door hit you in the ass.

With the exception of a few highlights, I have very much disliked this year.  Maybe someday I'll be able to look back and see 2011 as a pivotal point in my life, one where I decided that I needed to do things differently, that my priorities were out of order, and that I started making changes to gain some balance in my life.  Maybe someday I can look at 2011 as one of those wonderful life-lesson cliche's, and see myself on the other side of the cliche. For example:

"The gem cannot be polished without friction, nor man perfected without trials"

"The soul would have no rainbow had the eyes no tears." 

"If you are going through hell, keep going." - Sir Winston Churchill 

You see, I like these quotes.  I find them thought provoking, and they give me hope that there is something better yet to come. I hope 2012 brings it AND that I recognize it when it gets here! 

The Dark Days:  The year started with the end of my MIL's story.  She passed away in mid December of 2010, but getting through Christmas and New Years, and the first of the year was a challenge.  MightyMo had just started a new job, so we were adjusting to his adjustments, and moodiness, and changes.   And then, on the last day of January, my dad died.  Our relationship was strained, but I loved him.  The whole of December through March is just in one big blur.  I went deep, deep into my hole.  The rest of the year, right up through today,  seems to have just been an extension of that time, the way I felt, and the way I continue to feel.  

Winter Garden;  I discovered I actually enjoyed gardening.  Who would have thought?   I am now facing the dilemma that for the amount of work that went into the garden the output was not enough.  I don't think there is a one-to-one ratio.  In other words, a little more work (because of a lot more garden) would mean a LOT more to show!  I guess farmers feel this way often.   I cannot have even a little more garden in my back yard, so hmm.  I am trying to figure out how these people with small container gardens justify it. It's got to be a matter of what they plant. I have two pretty good rows of peas.  I picked peas and shelled them. Mmm. they were so good and sweet, but in the end, there were not enough for 2 people, much less 5. 

I am already thinking about the summer garden.  I've checked a couple of seed websites, since I am planning to start my own  plants this year.  I want mass production of tomatoes and squash. Maybe some of that wonderful ichabon (sp?) eggplant we liked so much.  I hope I can take the summer heat.  That is an honest concern, since I don't like being outside when it's much over 80.

Cooking/Canning:  Another new love. I enjoyed making stuff.  I made a lot to give a way, but I am now thinking in terms of pantry building. I want to be prepared for whatever is coming.   I guess I am feeling kind of like the people who built bomb shelters in the 60's.  It's out there...

Day Dreaming :  I've spent way too much of the year day dreaming.  Just while I've been typing this blog, I've drifted away to check for any updated property listings, read about how to build a farm pond, and looked up a recipe.  I think I have ADD. Seriously.

Medical Stuff:  I am back from looking up information about adult ADD.  And now I am thinking about medical stuff 2011 has brung (brought?  where art thou, oh grammar nazi!?!)  -- the physical kind, not the mental kind. I feel like 2011 has been plagued by medical stuff.  In the end, it's nothing super serious, but boy, is it draining.  Geege has had issues that have been worrisome. She is much better now, but the issues have taken their toll.  I had the boob bump of 2011.  BigB was diagnosed with the thyroid issues.  I've ended the year with this arm/shoulder thing that no one can quite seem to figure out.  The most current theory is a lymphoid system problem, (which after looking things up, makes a lot of sense).

Job stuff:  Well job stuff falls into two distinct categories.  My job, and MightyMo's job(s).  My job.  Well, I started to roll way downhill in my job back in the Dark Days. I have had one heck of time getting any momentum back.   I am trying to care -- to have a "get 'er done" attitude.  Just go do the work, and leave.  Maybe deep down I know it can never be that way, so I can't seem to get it done.  Anything distracts me.  I let everything distract me, is probably more accurate.  And then I start stressing about all I have to do, haven't done, and I don't sleep.  I dream about my to-do list. Which makes me not sleep well, so I get up in the middle of the night, and I don't sleep.  And then, during the day, I am tired, and more easily distracted, so I get further behind.  It is a vicious cycle.

Anyway, I am working on a plan to make MY job better.  Right now,I have to focus.  I have to get some of the monkey's off my back before I can make changes...

MightyMo changed jobs again this year.  After 13 years of him having one job (har-har), he's had 3 different jobs in the last 18 months. The current one, I hope, is a keeper.  He travels.  A LOT.  I like it.  The money is no where near what he needs it to be, but he hopes he can work his way up soon.  When he comes home, the world stops, and not in a good way.  We walk on egg shells.

Which brings me to marriage:  We cohabitate.  It's ok that way most of the time, and maybe someday some of the spark will return. There is an inordinate amount of miss communication.  From times and dates of who is doing what... to, well,  everything from making health insurance decisions, to the plans for Christmas day, and that is just in the last week.  I do not have this problem with another soul in the world, which makes it really hard for me to think it's me, though I realize it takes two to tango. There is anger and resentment, that admittedly goes both ways.  This is affecting everyone, especially my precious girls.  They want to see a counselor.  I am afraid they think that will fix all -- too much TV.  But they've asked, so I will take them.   There are other concerns, but this is not the time or place for that.

There have been joyous things in 2011.  Things that I would not trade --

Kids - I've seen BigB thrive -- at school, at church, at just being herself. She is a special kid.  MoJo has come into her own in many ways.  When something needs to be done, she takes care of things (better than me!) I've nick-named her "HM", which stands for High Maintenance.  It infuriates her, but she is always needing something -- some validation, some intervention, some special treatment --which makes her VERY high maintenance.  It's exhausting.  But this is the part about the good stuff! (And this, in a weird way, is some of her good stuff!)  TMan is becoming a true man, in so many ways.  He is more thoughtful, more willing to help, and more responsible than ever. He worries about me a little - a very little, probably because he's seen me through so many very tough things -- he knows I'll be okay.

Volunteer Stuff.  Have I ever mentioned that I could be a professional volunteer?  Its something I love to do.  I like lending a hand where needed, or helping a worthy cause, but I admit, I enjoy it largely for selfish reasons. It makes me feel good about myself.  It brings me joy.  It makes me feel appreciated and needed.

For the most part, my volunteer work with the LMNOP choir brings me joy.  I love the organization. I love what I've seen it do for kids where the families will embrace the demands, and not make excuses.   I am learning, however, that  I need to set limits, and that is no one's fault but mine.  That is my number one priority for 2012.  Limits.

The Billy Goat:  This has been the year of the Billy Goat.  And I am not talking about the Chinese Zodiac.  I am talking about Caprino, and what a wonderful gift she is to me -- and the world. (Seriously!) She's probably going to save the world by playing a piano concerto at a meeting of NATO, or something. And after that, she'll make her speech about the power of opera, and sing a self composed aria about world peace.  And cows.  And the world shall be saved.  The end.  I can see it happening.   She is that special.

Spiritual Growth:  I've done a better job spiritually this year.  I feel the pull to do so much more.  I am watching for something that will give me some direction. I've turned to the Lord with all of the things that have made 2011 rough, and my prayers have been addressed (answered is not the right word!).  I've also have done a better job  remembering  to say thank you.  I am truly blessed. I feel like I am moving beyond the idea of being a Christian, more toward that personal relationship with Jesus I've heard so much about.  I've been both envious and doubtful of people who've sad they had this relationship.  I've even wondered if it was sort of like having an imaginary friend -- you know, because the kid with an imaginary friend believes and accepts that friend, even when those around them don't.  Do I have the faith of a child?  Anyway,  I think I am finally beginning to understand. 

So, these are my thoughts for sending out 2011.   I hope to blog again in the next few days about what I can and will do to realize my hopes and dreams for 2012. My dream for 2012 is simple:  I want joy.   I want to wake up each day and be happy that the day has begun. I don't want to dread a single day.   I want to be happy to be with the people in my life, and to love, and feel loved.  I want to do for others, and while its not THAT important, I'd like some occasional validation. (I do get that from some people -- more than I deserve!)  I guess my goal for 2012 is to figure out the combination of circumstance that really makes me happy, and figure out a way cocoon myself in happiness.

So, I leave you, my dear 3 readers,  with this thought from a fortune cookie.  It is glued to the corner of my computer screen on my desk at work, and has been for a long time. It's time to stop looking at it, and start living it!

Also, maybe it would be a good idea to get a lottery ticket. :)

pre-Christmas blo

 Note:  This blog was never finished and posted.  Obviously, it is a pre-Christmas blog. It is now post Christmas, and the blog is still not finished, but I am posting it anyway.

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It's that time of year.  Merry Chickin' Lickin' Christmas. I am more tired (tireder?) than I can remember in a long, long time. In fact, the last two times I remember being this tired was on  my trip to Europe ( day 1: a day of sightseeing after 24 hours of travel, and the day we arrived back in the states, after 30 hours of travel.) and my trip to NYC.  This morning, I was (seriously!) concerned about falling asleep at red lights on the way to work.  I am ok while moving, its that moment of lull that does me in.

Some of the tired is good -- Loving having TMan home, especially while MightyMO is out of town.  That sounds horrible, but they don't get along at all, and the tension is always thick when they are with in a few miles of each other.   It's nice to have TMan around without the stress. This is the first time I can remember that happening in a LONG, LONG, LONG time.

I've worked (ha!) during the day, and then handled a few after school activities, worked on my homemade gifts, prepared baskets for said gifts and other general domestic activities.   I've had many late nights, some due to activiteis, and some self inflicted, and some because I couldn't sleep.  It's all catching up with me.

I am frustrated AGAIN with Mojo's School.  Even the Geege has said she thinks its time to pull the plug -- midyear.  Yes, midyear..  Mom also told me that SHE WILL MANAGE THE HOMESCHOOLING for the 2nd half of the academic year.  Wow.


This week is the last week of school before Christmas break.  Mojo's teacher has apparently decided that there is so much of "everything else" this week, she is postponing all academics until they return from Christmas break.  No class work, no homework for the entire week. They will work on their Christmas programs.  They will have "reading" time.  They will watch movies and "play".  I am PAYING for this. The note that was sent home explaining this had a misspelled word in it, and some grammatical errors that would make the Grammar Nazi start screaming.  The last time she sent home a piece of paper with a Bible verse for the kids had to copy three times for homework, SHE had copied from the Bible incorrectly.  This was not the first time.  (And for the record, why are 5th graders not looking up the verse themselves, in the Bible that is a required part of their school supplies?!?!)