New Name, New Address, Same 'ol, same 'ol

I've made the leap and moved my blogging to WordPress.  Visit me at:

http://farmgalatheart.wordpress.com/

One year ago today...

It was one year ago today that my brother called ...

It was one year ago today that I went to my Dad's apartment because he hadn't answered his phone....

It was one year ago today that I asked the manager to unlock the door because he didn't answer when I knocked...

It was one year ago today that I called 9-1-1....

It was one year ago today that I spent time talking to police...


It was one year ago today that I watched, for the first time ever, a sheet covered body being wheeled to an ambulance on a gurney....

It was one year ago today that I made several of the most difficult phone calls I've ever made...

It was one year ago today that I realized my dad had left this world.  Like so many times in his life, he left silently, without a word, and without giving me a chance to say goodbye, without wishing me well or without telling me he loved me.  Like so many times in his life, he was simply gone, and I have no idea when, or if,  I will meet him again.

We were not on the best of terms at the time of his death, but we always had a special connection, unlike the connection I have or have had with anyone else. Maybe it was because I was the oldest. Maybe it was because I was the only girl.  Maybe it was because he was him and I was me.

This day, one year ago, seems so much like a turning point now.  Like a day that the whole world did a back flip.  It's kind of the day that I gave up - on what I am not sure.  I gave up, not because of sadness over my dad's death, bur for sadness for his life.  It was a day of clarity, and a day dense, dark, dreary fog.  I am still trying to escape the fog.

Courageous

MightyMO, the girls and I watched the movie Courageous this weekend. The movie was excellent, and very emotional.  Since I am the queen of cry, I cried. A LOT.  Cinematically,  there were a few scenes that weren't as "professional" as most modern day feature films.   Mainly, I thought a few of the actors were kind of stiff.  Nothing major, though.  It wasn't like going to an elementary school play or anything. 

Story wise, very good.  Morally, EXCELLENT.

I don't want to spoil the movie for anyone of the two people who might read this, but the 'moral' of the story is clear in each preview.  This is about fathers following assuming their Biblical roles in the family.  There is talk in the movie (and in life) of the impact on society of children being raised without fathers, or a strong father figure, in their lives. This movie takes it a step further.  It's not just about being a good father, it's about being a courageous father. It's about being an accountable father.

Now, I have some friends and family who are not sure about Christianity.  I even have some that outright don't believe.  And while I would take issue with that on any day, I will say this: The principals of "fathering" presented in this movie apply whether you are a Jesus following Christian, Jewish, Muslim, Hindu, atheist, or agnostic or anything else.  This movie lays out the responsibilities of fathering. And whether or not you turn to the Bible for guidance, the fundamental responsibilities of being a father apply. Don't take it lightly.

Some of you know why this movie hit so close to home for me. I won't go into that today, but I will say that I don't know many men who are the fathers that they are called to be. In fact, I think many men shy away from any situation that might leave them accountable for their parenting beyond a superficial level.

I think that was one thing that most impressed me about the movie -- the "group" of male friends that was portrayed. Why are so many men afraid to have real friends? Why do they fear conversation? And why do they shy away from revealing anything about themselves? Why do they find it "weak" to let people know the real person? What is it they are trying to hide?  Why do they not want anyone to know they are "human"?


I recently listened to a radio broadcast on Christian radio where the the topic was parenting.  It suggested having a conversation with your kids where you litterally ask them about the example you are setting, and the level of influence.  So I asked my girls if they thought MightyMo and I were good spiritual influences in their lives. I asked if they saw us as good examples.  I get to toot my own horn a little, because my girls "complimented" me.  In not so many words, they said I talk-the-talk AND walk-the-walk. They also recognized areas that I need to work on - like too easily letting my feelings spill over from situations and influence the way I treat them.  IE:  If I have a bad day, they know it by how I treat them. They know I am human, and that humans have flaws, and that they can be overcome.  I think, in a nutshell, it takes more courage to expose your weaknesses than just about anything else.

I am not sure how to close this post.  I know I've kind of rambled. The end result is that the movie challenged me in ways that I did not expect to be challenged. It has stayed with me, at least for a few hours, and I find it sobering.  I pray that it is affecting others in a similar way.

Weekend in the wind...

My weekend has disappeared. It's gone.  Off the grid.  On some of may police/spy shows they say the spy or criminal is "in the wind".  Yep, that's what happened. 

Here's what got done....

• Friday:  Car fixed, took Mojo for tour of PPS, picked B up from PPS, ate at Moes, came home
• Saturday: B back to PPS, Got info and demo on Kindle, Eye Exam, Picked B up from PPS, ordered glasses, got hair cut for me and both girls, reserved movie at Redbox, picked up movie at Redbox, family watched movie from Redbox.
• Sunday: church, target, made whole wheat and white wheat bread, cut up celery and carrots for snacks, made spaghetti, ironed clothes.

The big things that I didn't get to... Wanted to spend a couple of hours on LMNOP stuff.  I will have to take time out of my work day now.  I didn't get the dog washed.  She stinks.  BAD.  And, we didn't make it to the Family Worship tonight.  It was a family follow up from B;s winter retreat, and I really wanted to go.  

I want more weekend....

Oversleeping

I don't typically oversleep.  And when I do, it's mere minutes.  Still, those lost minutes can mess up my whole day.  Today I overslept for 56 minutes.  I'm screwed.

I am not sure exactly what woke me up, but I think it was BigB walking by the door.  She goes to the kitchen to retrieve her ironed clothes every school day, and usually that movement jars me to jump from bed and get I going.  Today, I guess I missed it the first time.  She did walk by the room, and I jumped up, and looked at her and she was DRESSED AND READY TO GO!  I know the first words from my mouth were "I've overslept", and she chastised me, "Maaahhhhmmm, it's 6:04!".  Considering we generally walk out the door by 6:10, I deserved the chastising!  Needless to say, this morning's trip to the bus was done in PJ's, with one eye open, one hand on the wheel and the other sucking down coffee in giant gulps!

Well, trying to recover from a lost hour on a work day is just about impossible. Kinda messes up the whole day!  But I am trying! :)

Distracted, but HAPPY.

This morning I prayed for focus.

I was focused, but not on what I needed to focus on - WORK.  (Please Lord, let me focus!)  Immediately after my prayer this morning, a friend - an acquaintance really --  who has gone through a very rough situation popped into my mind, and even though I tried, I could not shake the fact that today, I just needed to contact her.  So I embraced the weirdness and did just that. 

Of course, since I wrote out a message, and I tend to over write, and over edit, I spent most of the morning writing her note.  Then I just checked in on FB. And looked at a few peoples pages, and read a few posts, and updated my status, and texted a few times and... Well, you get the idea. I've wasted the morning.  Now instead of working, I am here, blogging.

What is wrong with me?

Dear Diary

Most of my posts have zero views.  I am not surprised by this, and anonymity is kind of a good thing.  I used to say that I wanted to be rich and anonymous.  Maybe I should say that again.

My blog is not a blog for entertainment, so I am perfectly OK with the fact that most posts aren't read.  Mostly the blog is for me, and a place to express my thoughts and sort through the multitude of emotions that I have.  I always write as though someone is reading, but really, I am writing for me. I guess that makes it more of a diary. A public diary.  Weird. 

There are a few who stop by the Toliet Water from time to time.  I'm sure they get tired of the whine.  Well, if you are one of those, please know that I am trying to effect a change.  I am trying to be happy. Joyous.  It's harder than it looks.  There are some days where I can put on a really good show.  Today,  I can't. Today I want to crawl under a rock.  Not sure why, or what is so different about today or any other day. 

Anyway, if you happen to be one of my 8 followers who randomly pop in, thanks. I am trying to make this a better place to visit.  I am looking for smiles and laughter in the little things.

So, non-readers, if you are out there, I offer you three cheers for anonymity.  It is a good thing!