Many things went wrong today, but that wasn't the worst thing. The worst thing was that I have been feeling this impending sense of doom. This is not new to today. It's been weighing on me, and in my subconscious for weeks. Maybe months. I feel like I need to make a major shift in direction, in order to avoid something. I don't know what it is I need to avoid. I just keep having this nagging feeling that if don't make a change, something is going to come crashing down, and that is stupid to wait for it. I am wondering if it is a shift in some magnetic field, affecting me the way an impending storm affects animals. Does anyone else feel it? Or is this my own personal phobia?
So, recently I have have been thinking of ways to escape the doom, questioned the direction of my life, and found myself trying to concoct a plan. Actually, I have concocted a dream. So what does any self respecting person do when they want to escape to another life? Play dress up. Bear with me as I try this dream on for size:
I want to sell all (well, most) of my worldly possessions, downsize, simplify and go back to basics. Basically, I want to be independent of the world. If she is willing, I will take lessons from chickenandcow lady. I will educate my children at home, and they shall be smart, and achieve great things. I will get chickens. I will order them off the internet. I might even get a cow and learn to make butter. And ghee. (And do cows really have to be milked early in the morning? How do they feel about 9 to 9:30? I need a mid-morning cow.) Maybe I will get a piano. I will befriend the people at the feed store. And learn how to plant potatoes. I could survive on potatoes and eggs, I think. I am looking into fermenting kits. (You can figure that one out on your own. I am a Tennessee Hillbilly at heart.) I will learn to drive a tractor, operate a chain saw, and have a real wood burning fire place. I shall make gravy. Often. In fact, I will have a gravy shrine. I will volunteer more, offer more of myself, expect less from others. I will have a clothes line, and I will grow zinnias. Dinner will be at 6pm, sharp. And I will fix lunch for the family on Sundays. I will get out my collection of cast iron cookware, wash it by hand, and then season it with Crisco. Or lard. (Can you even buy lard anymore, and does it stink when you use it to season your cast iron?) I will purchase some Ivory Snow.
So I am mentally trying on this entirely different style of life for size. It's kind of like a dress I saw a friend wearing and I really like it. It's certainly not a perfect fit for me, so I will start thinking of what alterations are needed. I will probably ultimately decide that its not right for me all. It may not be my style, or it may be too expensive, or I may just be scared to make such be a significant change. Either way, it's nice to play dress up.
WOW! E asked if I had read your blog lately. I'm sorry to say, I had not. I didn't know you had picked up the frequency with which you post! Good news!
ReplyDeleteI have enjoyed all of them. I'm beginning to believe we are cut from the same cloth. Your words were kind about me. I'm where I am for lots of reasons, but you can be in "your place" too. Sometimes you have to take a leap of faith and just do it. Sorry Nike. I've lived with most of those feelings for most of my life. I'm pretty darn content now. You need to check out www.keepingafamilycow.com and look on the message board. Most of these people are hard-core country livers. Ha ha! I learned so much from them. They don't just talk about cows- it's everything from real food to pigs and gardening.
Thanks for your kind words. Keep on posting- I'm signed up now!