One year ago today...

It was one year ago today that my brother called ...

It was one year ago today that I went to my Dad's apartment because he hadn't answered his phone....

It was one year ago today that I asked the manager to unlock the door because he didn't answer when I knocked...

It was one year ago today that I called 9-1-1....

It was one year ago today that I spent time talking to police...


It was one year ago today that I watched, for the first time ever, a sheet covered body being wheeled to an ambulance on a gurney....

It was one year ago today that I made several of the most difficult phone calls I've ever made...

It was one year ago today that I realized my dad had left this world.  Like so many times in his life, he left silently, without a word, and without giving me a chance to say goodbye, without wishing me well or without telling me he loved me.  Like so many times in his life, he was simply gone, and I have no idea when, or if,  I will meet him again.

We were not on the best of terms at the time of his death, but we always had a special connection, unlike the connection I have or have had with anyone else. Maybe it was because I was the oldest. Maybe it was because I was the only girl.  Maybe it was because he was him and I was me.

This day, one year ago, seems so much like a turning point now.  Like a day that the whole world did a back flip.  It's kind of the day that I gave up - on what I am not sure.  I gave up, not because of sadness over my dad's death, bur for sadness for his life.  It was a day of clarity, and a day dense, dark, dreary fog.  I am still trying to escape the fog.

Courageous

MightyMO, the girls and I watched the movie Courageous this weekend. The movie was excellent, and very emotional.  Since I am the queen of cry, I cried. A LOT.  Cinematically,  there were a few scenes that weren't as "professional" as most modern day feature films.   Mainly, I thought a few of the actors were kind of stiff.  Nothing major, though.  It wasn't like going to an elementary school play or anything. 

Story wise, very good.  Morally, EXCELLENT.

I don't want to spoil the movie for anyone of the two people who might read this, but the 'moral' of the story is clear in each preview.  This is about fathers following assuming their Biblical roles in the family.  There is talk in the movie (and in life) of the impact on society of children being raised without fathers, or a strong father figure, in their lives. This movie takes it a step further.  It's not just about being a good father, it's about being a courageous father. It's about being an accountable father.

Now, I have some friends and family who are not sure about Christianity.  I even have some that outright don't believe.  And while I would take issue with that on any day, I will say this: The principals of "fathering" presented in this movie apply whether you are a Jesus following Christian, Jewish, Muslim, Hindu, atheist, or agnostic or anything else.  This movie lays out the responsibilities of fathering. And whether or not you turn to the Bible for guidance, the fundamental responsibilities of being a father apply. Don't take it lightly.

Some of you know why this movie hit so close to home for me. I won't go into that today, but I will say that I don't know many men who are the fathers that they are called to be. In fact, I think many men shy away from any situation that might leave them accountable for their parenting beyond a superficial level.

I think that was one thing that most impressed me about the movie -- the "group" of male friends that was portrayed. Why are so many men afraid to have real friends? Why do they fear conversation? And why do they shy away from revealing anything about themselves? Why do they find it "weak" to let people know the real person? What is it they are trying to hide?  Why do they not want anyone to know they are "human"?


I recently listened to a radio broadcast on Christian radio where the the topic was parenting.  It suggested having a conversation with your kids where you litterally ask them about the example you are setting, and the level of influence.  So I asked my girls if they thought MightyMo and I were good spiritual influences in their lives. I asked if they saw us as good examples.  I get to toot my own horn a little, because my girls "complimented" me.  In not so many words, they said I talk-the-talk AND walk-the-walk. They also recognized areas that I need to work on - like too easily letting my feelings spill over from situations and influence the way I treat them.  IE:  If I have a bad day, they know it by how I treat them. They know I am human, and that humans have flaws, and that they can be overcome.  I think, in a nutshell, it takes more courage to expose your weaknesses than just about anything else.

I am not sure how to close this post.  I know I've kind of rambled. The end result is that the movie challenged me in ways that I did not expect to be challenged. It has stayed with me, at least for a few hours, and I find it sobering.  I pray that it is affecting others in a similar way.

Weekend in the wind...

My weekend has disappeared. It's gone.  Off the grid.  On some of may police/spy shows they say the spy or criminal is "in the wind".  Yep, that's what happened. 

Here's what got done....

• Friday:  Car fixed, took Mojo for tour of PPS, picked B up from PPS, ate at Moes, came home
• Saturday: B back to PPS, Got info and demo on Kindle, Eye Exam, Picked B up from PPS, ordered glasses, got hair cut for me and both girls, reserved movie at Redbox, picked up movie at Redbox, family watched movie from Redbox.
• Sunday: church, target, made whole wheat and white wheat bread, cut up celery and carrots for snacks, made spaghetti, ironed clothes.

The big things that I didn't get to... Wanted to spend a couple of hours on LMNOP stuff.  I will have to take time out of my work day now.  I didn't get the dog washed.  She stinks.  BAD.  And, we didn't make it to the Family Worship tonight.  It was a family follow up from B;s winter retreat, and I really wanted to go.  

I want more weekend....

Oversleeping

I don't typically oversleep.  And when I do, it's mere minutes.  Still, those lost minutes can mess up my whole day.  Today I overslept for 56 minutes.  I'm screwed.

I am not sure exactly what woke me up, but I think it was BigB walking by the door.  She goes to the kitchen to retrieve her ironed clothes every school day, and usually that movement jars me to jump from bed and get I going.  Today, I guess I missed it the first time.  She did walk by the room, and I jumped up, and looked at her and she was DRESSED AND READY TO GO!  I know the first words from my mouth were "I've overslept", and she chastised me, "Maaahhhhmmm, it's 6:04!".  Considering we generally walk out the door by 6:10, I deserved the chastising!  Needless to say, this morning's trip to the bus was done in PJ's, with one eye open, one hand on the wheel and the other sucking down coffee in giant gulps!

Well, trying to recover from a lost hour on a work day is just about impossible. Kinda messes up the whole day!  But I am trying! :)

Distracted, but HAPPY.

This morning I prayed for focus.

I was focused, but not on what I needed to focus on - WORK.  (Please Lord, let me focus!)  Immediately after my prayer this morning, a friend - an acquaintance really --  who has gone through a very rough situation popped into my mind, and even though I tried, I could not shake the fact that today, I just needed to contact her.  So I embraced the weirdness and did just that. 

Of course, since I wrote out a message, and I tend to over write, and over edit, I spent most of the morning writing her note.  Then I just checked in on FB. And looked at a few peoples pages, and read a few posts, and updated my status, and texted a few times and... Well, you get the idea. I've wasted the morning.  Now instead of working, I am here, blogging.

What is wrong with me?

Dear Diary

Most of my posts have zero views.  I am not surprised by this, and anonymity is kind of a good thing.  I used to say that I wanted to be rich and anonymous.  Maybe I should say that again.

My blog is not a blog for entertainment, so I am perfectly OK with the fact that most posts aren't read.  Mostly the blog is for me, and a place to express my thoughts and sort through the multitude of emotions that I have.  I always write as though someone is reading, but really, I am writing for me. I guess that makes it more of a diary. A public diary.  Weird. 

There are a few who stop by the Toliet Water from time to time.  I'm sure they get tired of the whine.  Well, if you are one of those, please know that I am trying to effect a change.  I am trying to be happy. Joyous.  It's harder than it looks.  There are some days where I can put on a really good show.  Today,  I can't. Today I want to crawl under a rock.  Not sure why, or what is so different about today or any other day. 

Anyway, if you happen to be one of my 8 followers who randomly pop in, thanks. I am trying to make this a better place to visit.  I am looking for smiles and laughter in the little things.

So, non-readers, if you are out there, I offer you three cheers for anonymity.  It is a good thing! 

Good Golly, I made GHEE!

First of all, I have to say a huge THANK YOU to Chickenandcowlady for introducing me to ghee.  It is a wonderful thing to have around, and I am not sure how I managed the first half of my life without it.  My love for the stuff has been almost comical.  I am not sure if this is one of my temporary OCD infatuation things, or if its permanent, but I can tell you I like ghee better than I liked Zac Effron, and I liked him a lot. (But have you seen him in the trailer for the The Lucky One? - Oh my, I'd still take him to raise!)
 
Back on track here...

Ghee.  Chickenandcowlady has been generously supplying me with ghee.  I am MOST grateful.  I am not even sure how to say how much I appreciate or express  how much I love the stuff.  But, curiosity and a sense of independence grabbed hold of me, and I decided that I should try to make it myself.  Now, I have no cow, so I knew there was no way I was going to duplicate what I'd been used to.  I purchased butter in bulk (4lbs) at Sams, and followed a ghee recipe that CACL had sent me a link to.  I think she sent me the recipe, not so much for me to make it, but so I'd understand the process, and what happened as butter was transformed to ghee.  (chickenandcowlady is entirely to long, and it ticks my spell checker off every time I type it, so hence forward, CACL is it.)

 

I printed out the 6 pages or so of instructions and pictures and read and re-read them. I studied the pictures, and read the descriptions of the smells, and the way the bubbles looked.   I was ready.   So, in my stint of hanging out in the kitchen during The Saga of the Laminite Flooring, Part 3, I began.   I chopped up the butter and  put it on the stove, with my instructions sitting right beside me.  As the butter melted, I prepared my strainer and cheese cloth.  I watched a 4 minute video on You Tube on how to make ghee. (dang lady talked about food allergies more than she talked about how to make ghee.  Oh - and she said she used ghee as a moisturizer, which I found really odd, and way TMI in a 4 minute cooking video ). Just as the butter began to froth a little, I was called on to help on the flooring project, so I had to turn everything off, and go do that for a little while.  When I came back, I turned everything on again, and got back to the same point.  I referred to the recipe often, but I did one thing that was in the video and not in my printed recipe -- I skimmed the froth off the butter. Meticulously. 

I watched the pot, I sniffed, I studied and compared pictures to what was going on in the pot on my stove.  As I followed the recipe, I was worried, since nothing seemed to match up.   Not the color,  smells or the appearance of the bubbles.   I felt I was on my own, but I still referred to the pictures and instructions often. I'm glad I did.  After about 45 minutes, I suddenly, and somewhat unexpectedly found myself at the last step - fizzy bubbles.  There was the smallest amount of  colored stuff on the edges of the pot,  and there was a smell that was sort of nutty and caramelish, all at the same time. .  I removed from heat, and strained.  Low and behold there was a tiny amount of light golden brown stuff at the bottom of the pan, and in the cheese cloth. 

Ghee, just after straining.

Ghee, batch 1, after setting.

My ghee was more yellow than golden, but the smell was right. Still, I thought something was wrong.  I let it sit on the counter and went about my business.  A few hours later Mojo is hollering - "MOM, is that ghee?!?  YOU made that? (shock) It's so pretty!"  Low and behold, the ghee had set and it was gorgeous.  The color was creamy yellow, and the texture was, too. It smelled wonderful.  But as with all cooking, the proof is in the pudding.  So, we made toast.  OH MY GOODNESS.  It was richness.  I am so proud of myself!.

Ghee, batch II.

As it turned out, Mojo wanted to try her hand at ghee making, too.  I had only used half of my bulk Sams butter, so I said sure.  I still followed the directions, and this time, I didn't skim in the early stages, and actual cooking process on my stove much more closely followed the printed directions.  When we got to the end, we let it go just a little longer, and got more of a golden color to the ghee.  At first I was afraid it was burned, but there was no smell of burnt butter.  We strained, and this time, without the early skimming, there was much more stuff in the bottom of the pan and caught by the cheese cloth.  Then after comparing to pictures, I declared that Mallory and I had handled it perfectly. The color is just slightly more gold than the ghee from the first batch.   I forgot to take a picture of the set ghee, so I will be back to add that later.  You can see the picture in the background -- that is from the printed instructions.  Nice match, if I do say so myself.

My ghee is missing something that CACL's has that I will never be able to duplicate with my Sam's butter.  Freshness.  Hers is way, way better than mine, and I hope she'll continue to share.  Her ghee was in the cow a short time before, where as mine was in a store or a truck.  I am glad I went through this exercise -- it makes me appreciate what she shares with me even more. 

And I know now that I even though I can't have Zac, I can have ghee.

I am good with that.

Cooking up trouble!

Maybe I am not cooking up trouble, but I have gotten the evil eye a few times.   I don't think there is a smiley for evil eyes, or I would add one now.

We've been in the midst of the Saga of the Laminite Flooring.  We are on Episode 3, so there is another post, and a story in there somewhere.  During the actual installation process, it has been required that I stay close and be "on call" for when a third set of hands was required.  So, I cooked. 

I cooked last weekend, during Flooring Episodes 1 and 2, too.  I made home made pizza, whole wheat bread and cheaters veggie soup.  All was good, except that my bread was dense.  Just not light at all. This was the 3rd or 4th time I'd made whole wheat since getting my new KitchenAid mixer. I hate to compare it to store brought loaf bread, but I really was hoping to figure out how to get the texture closer to that of what I am used to.  So, of course , I turned to the super power.  The all knowing, chicken podiatry doctoring, cow impalement removing, cow wrangling, bodacious baking, honkey-tonk key slamming, Brave Cowwoman, AKA chickenandcowlady.   (She has her own superhero cape.  Seriously.  I've seen it in person.). I also asked her for her whole wheat bread recipe, since she had blogged that she put ghee in it.  Not sure if I've mentioned ghee on this blog, but its it's butter, but better, and it currently ranks top of my list of most important kitchen staples.  That, and garlic.

Back to the story. Dense bread.  So today, I tried her recipe for Non-Brick styled whole wheat, and I was super excited.  She was very through in her descriptions, and I got some insight in technique.  The bread mixed up beautifully -- it came to a nice dough ball that was slack (I figured out what that means, I think), but shapable.  It had ghee in it.  I was thrilled.  I turned the dough out of the mixer bowl into a large stainless steel bowl that I had coated with butter.  I set it in the oven with the light on to rise. I set the timer for an hour, and proceeded to prepare tonight's dinner. 

Imploded whole wheat bread.  :(

First mistake: Never, ever base bread rise on time only.  There are too many variables in temperature and humidity and such.  One day, rise may take an hour. Or another day, it my take 40 minutes.  Today was probably a 40 minute day, so when I peeked after an hour, I had a mess. The dough had probably grown 3 times in size, and had spilled over the sides of my bowl, and was hanging from the oven rack like wheat colored stalagmites. There was a pile in the bottom of the oven that resembled a fresh pile of -- well, I won't go there. However, we are in the year of positive attitude, so silly me was STILL somewhat excited.  Getting this much reaction from the yeast surely meant I had done something right!! But, alas, no one ever mentioned mountains of dough in bread recipes, so logic (and my pessimistic side) said something wouldn't be right.  I punched the dough down, kneaded, shaped and put it in the loaf pans and back in the oven for the 2nd rise.  I watched it more carefully this time.  When the dough had reached the top of the pan, I set it out of the oven and turned the oven on to preheat.  Just before putting it in to bake, I made a cut in the dough to allow for oven spring.  The dough deflated like I had let the air out of a balloon.  It deflated the most where I had made the cut.  Still -- I marched on, with high hopes.

I baked according to directions, and well, the dang loaf imploded in the oven.  The middle of the loaf was caved in.   I of course was saddened by this, but I took the loaves out, let them cool, and sampled them. The texture, was perfect, implosion and all!  Just what I wanted! The taste was remarkable -- though it needed salt.  Not sure if I didn't add enough, or forgot to put it in all together. 

Swiss Steak, simmering away!

The good news is that dinner, turned out GREAT.  I made Swiss Steak using Paula Dean's recipe.  A friend had been telling me how good it is, and I agree-- wonderful. 


I also attempted to make my own ghee... that shall be the next story!

I'm Facebook friends with God.

The other day, I updated my status on Facebook to this:

I've been praying about so many things, but one very specific thing was about a mission trip.  I've prayed about whether it is even the right thing to do, if the timing was right...  And if it is right, and if now is the time, how in the world would I pay for it?    Another thing I've bee praying about is a little more abstract -- more undefined, but I've been praying about finding joy, being grateful for each day, and figuring out how to be happy. I've asked God to help me with the process of regaining balance in my life, reordering my priorities, and figuring out what really makes me happy.   The prayers have been ongoing, but both these topics had been on my mind heavily at the beginning of the year, when I was thinking about resolutions. I wrote my a post here at the Toilet Water, Hope and Resolutions for 2012. 

I finished writing that blog entry, and posted it, and spent some time in cconcentrated prayer.  The next morning, I opened up FB, , two posts caught my attention.   There was a FB post regarding a contest for WINNING the opportunity to go on the VERY trip that I had hoped to go on. Wow.   My mind started working. I was recruiting friends, and planning visits to other churches, and writing emails in my head, and, mentally writing a plan to win the contest...  I felt like God had shown me the way.

Moments later, I read this quote posted by a friend: 

“I’d always believed that a life of quality, enjoyment, and wisdom were my human birthright and would be automatically bestowed upon me as time passed.  I never suspected that I would have to learn how to live - that there were specific disciplines and ways of seeing the world I had to master before I could awaken to a simple, happy, uncomplicated life.” -Dan Millman

This quote seemed to be so relevant to my quest for joy -- reminding me that it was up to me to live a joyous life, not for a joyous life to just happen.  I felt like I had received a message.

So I updated my status... "I think God is speaking to me through FB.".  

I guess the real question is:  When you pray for something, and then something REALLY relevant pops up, what we might call coincidence, is it random chance, or is it God?  Hmm.  Einstein apparently thought it was God.  He said "Coincidence is God's way of remaining anonymous.".    

My Picture of Perfect

I've ALWAYS known I wanted to return to a farm - country living. For most of my adult life, my picture has been returning to the country RICH. Ha!  You know, like Southfork in Dallas --  the big country house, and the white washed fences, and the groomed pasture, and the big beautiful barn that looks like it belongs in some Southern Farm & Gardens magazine.

Dream House

HA!  Well, I am realizing that is not going to happen, and I am also realizing that the country life I led as a child was pretty dang privileged.  Not that we SHOULD have been living that way -- we couldn't afford it, and of course my dad lost it all. More than HIS all,  he lost my grandparents all, too.

Realistic House

So, the picture is changing. It is becoming more realistic.  And I am okay with it. 

I've realized that going back to the "country" is probably going to take some sacrifices.  Except that I the harder I look at it, the less it looks like sacrifice, and the more it looks like freedom.

Of course, there are MANY questions to be answered, hurdles to be leapt, and prayers to pray.  But each day, the picture gets a little clearer.

Hope and Resolutions for 2012

If the last two days are any indication, there is hope for 2012!  As far as MightyMO and TMan getting along, the last 48 hours have been more promising than the last 48 months.  They actually worked together on the flooring project.  Not only did they work together, they got a long. They talked (about the work) and there was no cursing, door or fist slamming, or raised voices (except to yell over the saw).  MightyMO asked me today if I was paying TMan. The real question is -- have I given him incentive to help with the project, and the answer is no. I probably will give him a little money for his work, but the fact is, I'd have given him some pocket money for the trip back to Auburn anyway.  Same money, different thought process.

While I am excited about the new floors, I am still a little upset about the flooring project. Let's just say: I love it when people use the word WE but mean YOU.  I know a couple of people who do that.   After I was asked if I was "all in" on this project -- YES! -- then the details were laid out with stuff that "WE" needed to do as prep for the manual labor. This was mostly packing up stuff.   Guess how many people make up "we"?  I am even still waiting for the Christmas tree to be put up!  ((Finally, today, I suggested that WE have a family tree packing up party.   Nothing.  No bites,)   MightyMo and TMan did the hard labor of pulling up the old floor.  It was hard, knee cracking, back breaking work.

I've played with my toys yesterday and today!  Fun! I used the slicer/shredder attachment on the KitchenAid mixer for all of the veggies for the Hoppin John and coleslaw - the cabbage was from the garden. I chopped up a bunch of extra onions and celery, sealed about 1 cup in the food sealer bags, and froze them.  I got a little frustrated with my food sealer -- it kept telling me the moisture tray was full.  It was NOT!   I'll have to figure that one out. I also mixed up the cornbread mix with mixer.  I used a new recipe that was kind of sweet and cake like. Northern cornbread.  The kids loved it.  Today, I used the slicer and sliced carrots for MightyMOs snacks.  Then I made bread -- one loaf was basic white bread, the second was cinnamon.  I made a loaf of whole wheat this weekend, too.  It was FINE!  Great with ghee and pear butter.

MightyMO suggested we have the soil in the garden tested to see how to best treat it in preparation for the summer garden.  I took some soil samples from the garden, and bagged them.  TMan is taking them back to AU to and dropping them off at the Auburn Extension office.  I am hopeful that we can get things REALLY going growing this summer!  I've been looking at seed catalogs online.  (WHO AM I? My GRANDMOTHER?)  I have specifically been looking for tomato varieties geared to this coastal area.  I think I've found a few.    I have some silly questions, that I am going to have to embarrass myself to ask.   The next task is to find a cheap way to start the tomato seeds.  Those little peat cups seem awfully expensive. 

On to the resolutions....

I am NOT  making any.

OK -- Maybe one or two.

I hesitate to make resolutions, because I cannot think of any I've made in the past that I've actually kept. This year I simply want to work on things that bring me closer to the Lord, will bring me joy, will improve my health, and that will strengthen my family.  Pretty basic goals, huh?

I need to find a Bible Study that inspires me to stick with it. I'd love to find something online, but with other live people who are willing to enter into discussion.  Surely such a thing exists.... Anyway, I also need to do a better job of sticking to my reading plan. I need to be more involved at my church.

This year, I am redefining joy. I am beginning to realize that I have never had a good picture of what makes me happy.  I have always been a "the grass is greener" person -- aspiring for something else.  Not necessarily more, just something else.  I think I've largely relied on others to make me happy, instead of focusing on my state of joy coming from self reliance.  It's kind of an OH CRAP moment to realize I've been going about this all wrong.  So, I am working to achieve joy. I am going to become self reliant, to the extent I can.  Everyone else is welcome to come along for the ride.

I will work on my health this year.  I have to face the fact that I am officially "middle aged".  Curses! Where did time go?  If I am going to do some of the stuff I want to do during the second half of my life, I am going to have to be in a lot better physical shape than I am right now.  It sounds like a catch phrase, but I must build my core strength.  This is to protect my back.  So, exercise must be on the agenda this year. I want to be open minded, but I think right now I am going to focus on yoga/pilates and running.  The yoga addresses the mental and physical state of well being, pilates is ALL about core strength, and running for the cardiovascular system.  I hope I can make myself stick with it.  In addition to that, I am going to start working on the healthy eating again.  Not sure I want to jump full force back into Weight Watchers, but maybe some combination of things.  I've let my weight creep all the way back up to the highest it's ever been, including when I was pregnant. I need to loose about 35 - 40 lbs. 

Now, how I am going to strengthen my family?  There are many things I can do here, but first and foremost, this is where learning to say "NO" comes in.  If anything is a resolution this year, it's going to be that I shall learn to wield the power of the word NO.  Actually, it's not the word NO that I have a problem with.  It's responsibility I have a problem with.  I seem to have an inability to let things just fall apart -- things that are not my responsibility.  I will sacrifice things that ARE my responsibility, like my family, in their favor.   This is where I have to learn to say NO -- as much to myself as to others.

That's it.  A look at my New Years weekend and a look at my hopes for 2012. I hope that the "flavor" of this blog will change, becoming something more than a whining post.  I hope that I can pull out a few creative things, and that I will be reporting more happy moments.  Recording happy moments MIGHT even help me figure out what makes me happy

Off to work now -- it's time to start working on these things!