The Great Escape

Everything below was written yesterday (Monday 2/23). Today was a very good day. I never went to the corner. I think that is what gives me the confidence to post this now.
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I did it again. I spent yesterday in the corner. I didn't get out of my PJs. I didn't walk outside into the sun. I didn't grocery shop. I didn't do laundry. I didn't clean. I avoided conversation at all costs. I read a lot. I watched a little TV. I eventually slept. I escaped. I was on my way to doing the same thing today -- I even considered calling in sick. I was an hour late for work.

I cannot tell you how relieved I felt when Mark suggested we skip church yesterday. This is bad, because once I get going, my day is actually better. It is just really, really, really hard to get going. Getting started is like a I am dragging an 2 ton anvil up hill. If I can ever get to the top, and start down the other side, the anvil becomes an asset, pulling me to some unseen destination at the bottom of the hill. Once I stop though, once the momentum is gone, I have to start the climb again. Starting seems to be getting harder and harder. I was going to say the hill is getting higher and higher, but that wouldn't be right. The anvil is getting heavier and heavier. I wasn't happy I wasn't going to church, just relieved I didn't have to start the process. I was actually looking forward to the sermon. I had other things planned for after church. These are things I should have felt good about, should have found fun. I kind of stood up a friend. I couldn't get going.

Is the answer to never loose the momentum? I just don't think so. I don't have it in me to keep going all waking hours. I have to have my down time. I just seem to keep getting stuck there.

Over the last few weeks, I've caught myself thinking really negative things -- nothing in particular, just things like how annoyed I am at myself because I didn't do something. How much I hate this chore or that chore. How angry I am about some comment or some 'thing'. How I hate that home is my loneliest place. I dwell on things that make me sad, and angry. Things I wish I could forgive, that I wish I could let go, but I can't. Dwelling on these things seems to make my temper and emotions a little out of balance.

I've tried to think about how much better I'd feel if I could just get some of the negative things behind me. I make promises to myself that I will be better tomorrow, that I will tackle some of those chores - kick the negative stuff in the butt. Some days I can keep it up for a few hours, most days I don't get started.

My brother and I discussed depression this weekend. Actually, I brought it up. Clinical depression is something that we've both dealt with before. I guess you can say depression and mental illness is "in the family", both biologically and by marriage. We actually dealt with depression way before it was "in fashion" so to speak -- before there were 1000 different anti-depression medications on the market. Also, we have a close relative who has issues for which we have no name, and probably will never have one, but mental illness is there, however undefined. It is not going away.

Either way, with respect to depression, I recognize enough of the symptoms to know I might be there. I've done online self assessments, and each one says yes, I am moderately to severely depressed . But I wonder if I am looking for an easy out . Am I even being honest with myself? Because I have the history, I know how to answer the assessment questions. Is this a medical problem or an unhappy problem. Drugs do not fix unhappiness.

I also recognize that I have in my power to flip a switch and be fine, at least to all outward appearances. And maybe I am actually fine for short bursts. Sometimes flipping the switch is hard, sometimes its easy. In certain situations, I can be jovial, and laugh.

I wonder, if I were truly depressed in the chemical / medical state, could I even self analyze whether or not I am depressed. I dunno.

I am debating whether or not to post this. I shared this blog with friends and family, and I guess all of them know I am dealing with some things , questions that are unanswered. I am not a person who keeps things bottled up, so I talk (aka - complain) to people about the things bothering me.

I don't know who is reading, and who isn't. I don't want someone to read this and think I am incapable of doing some of my favorite things; the things that do usually motivate me to start my day. I don't want people to worry that I am unreliable -- haven't been there yet, and honestly that also keeps me going to some extent. What others think is very important.

So, for now, I am a big chicken. I will hit the save button, and move on to something different.