One year ago today...

It was one year ago today that my brother called ...

It was one year ago today that I went to my Dad's apartment because he hadn't answered his phone....

It was one year ago today that I asked the manager to unlock the door because he didn't answer when I knocked...

It was one year ago today that I called 9-1-1....

It was one year ago today that I spent time talking to police...


It was one year ago today that I watched, for the first time ever, a sheet covered body being wheeled to an ambulance on a gurney....

It was one year ago today that I made several of the most difficult phone calls I've ever made...

It was one year ago today that I realized my dad had left this world.  Like so many times in his life, he left silently, without a word, and without giving me a chance to say goodbye, without wishing me well or without telling me he loved me.  Like so many times in his life, he was simply gone, and I have no idea when, or if,  I will meet him again.

We were not on the best of terms at the time of his death, but we always had a special connection, unlike the connection I have or have had with anyone else. Maybe it was because I was the oldest. Maybe it was because I was the only girl.  Maybe it was because he was him and I was me.

This day, one year ago, seems so much like a turning point now.  Like a day that the whole world did a back flip.  It's kind of the day that I gave up - on what I am not sure.  I gave up, not because of sadness over my dad's death, bur for sadness for his life.  It was a day of clarity, and a day dense, dark, dreary fog.  I am still trying to escape the fog.