Going Home

I am not sure where or what home is anymore. 

There is no doubt in my mind, I will always love East Tennessee.  I love the land, the hills, the ridges and the valleys, the trees and the seasons.  For years, this was home.  When I'd travel for a visit, I'd say I was going "home". 

I still get that nostalgia, even though many of the places are gone.  They were sold due to death, and debt and to simplify living.  These were not my decisions to make, thank goodness, but even if they had been, I am sure I would have come to make the same decisions.  It is the practical thing to do.

On my recent trip, we went and visited the "farm".  Wow. So many memories. I spent many, many hours on the farm.  At different times, there were cattle, and horses and chickens. There were gardens. There was a swimming hole, and the lake that had snapping turtles, and bass the size of a club, and a creek that ran through it all. There is a man made dam that creates the lake.  We use to walk over the dam from the drive way to the barn.  There was a little bit of creek that we had to jump over.  Many times we missed and got good and wet.

The pond. You can just see the barn through the trees.

Then there was the "little red house". That is what we've always called it.  It's still there and it's still red. We felt like it was a huge adventure to go stay overnight at the little red  house. I remember eating polk salad and whole, boiled yellow squash for the first time at this house.  (On different occasions, I think).  I liked them both.  The barn is about 75 yards behind the little red house.   I didn't walk over to it -- from a distance it looked the same as always, though I bet it needs lots of repair.   The little barn is gone now.  That's sad.  It was a great little 4 stall barn.

The property is gorgeous.  My cousin has done an excellent job with it.  He lives in the house that his parents built close to 40 years ago.  It is a gorgeous house, buried in the woods on the ridge. He's added a huge garage / workshop to support his race car hobby.

The barn.

My old driveway.  The house is out of sight from the road.

The house where we lived has been sold.  The long drive way curves around, and the house is out of sight from the road, especially in the summer when the trees have their leafs. I wish I could have caught a glimpse, but this is the country, and I know it is best not to drive an unknown vehicle up a long drive way to the home of someone you don't know.  Shotguns are prevalent. And used frequently.  I took a picture from the road - just the driveway.


I was pointing all this out to my kids, who were largely uninterested.  All in all, the property is largely unchanged. I wish things would have worked out so that I could have my little piece of home.

I have "options".

I am an open book for the most part.  I will talk about just about anything to just about anybody.  Most of the time I see this as a fault. I'd be much better off to keep things "close to the chest".  Private.  I have to work at it.  I am not sure why this is, but I do wish I was a more private person.

Because I am overly open, I tend to talk a lot about things that make me happy, sad, mad, disappointed, etc. Even so, I wonder if people get the real me, because there are so many things that I don't get about myself.  That is why it unnerving to have someone look in at my life and see things  I don't..  Lately, people look in and tell me I could  have "more".  Or they tell me that I deserve "more".  Not more money, not more things, not more in the physical sense.  More happiness.  More peace.  More love.  More support.  More of the important stuff.   Wow.  When I look around,  I want more, but I am not 100% sure about how to get it.

Some people have ideas about how I should to get "more". Some think I should relocate.  Some think I should change jobs. Some think I should do this, or that, or the other. I am not sure what I need to do.  I have some pretty strong ideas about what would make me happier.  I was told this weekend, something that I believe to be true, that if you start putting things "out in the universe" about the changes that you want to make, the places you want to go, sometimes the universe responds.  I call this praying and answered prayer. Some call it fate, or chance, or karma.  The answers are not always the ones you want, but when you start asking for change, change happens.

I realize I am afraid of change. There are these great unknowns.  There are risks.  It is impossible to know if the benefits outweigh the risks, or vice-versa.

The fact is, that going on this recent trip, I see different things. I see possibilities from change.  I see options to change.  But, when I get back here into my routine, they look a lot fuzzier.  Farther away.  Less plausible.

I am not sure what the future holds for me, but I know I am ready for some changes. Scared, but ready. I'll just have to see what God has in store for me.  I will tell Him I am ready.  I will pray that it isn't a painful process.  I will thank Him for what I have, and boldly ask for "more".  Let's see where He goes with that.

Whine, Whine, Whine

The title should say it all... Be warned.

Money.  There is never enough.  Seriously.  Rob Peter, pay Paul, and beg Pedro not to beat you up.  Story of my life.

The fact is, I don't want money for myself.  I don't want fancy cars, or clothes, or even fancy smacy vacations.   But, I do need money to do the things that are important.  Like the girls music.  They must have a piano.  Actually, they must have two.  One for my house, and one for moms.  They spend a ton of time at moms, and that is the ideal time for practice, but it also makes no sense to not have a piano at home, too.  So there are two options: two pianos or spend more time at home.  Both have costs associated with them. Right now, two pianos are a less expensive option than more time at home.

I am researching  "entry level" digital pianos for several reasons.  First, they are the most affordable option for me right now, since there is a one time expenditure, and annual or semiannual tuning is not required. Secondly, they are relatively compact.  I am dealing with fairly small spaces.  Thirdly, they have headphones. . I love my kids music, but MightyMo wants all sound silenced at a certain time of day, including practice of all music.   This is not practical in our very busy world, so I am forced to try to arrange life around his sleep schedule.  (whine, whine, whine.)  Headphones = practice without him hearing.  Now, if they;d just make digital clarinets and flutes....

There is a lot of conflicting info out there, and each digital piano manufacturer seems to have a different name for the same features.  I was told by one person, don't get touch sensitive keys because the piano would respond too easily, making it difficult to transition between acoustical and digital. Then another person said we wanted touch sensitive keys,  because that meant that different amounts of pressure had to be used to obtain sound.  In other words, the player had to strike the keys harder on low notes to get sound, than on higher notes.  So, is touch sensitive good, or bad?

Does the piano sound right?  How the heck am I supposed to know?  As a non-musician, this is a daunting, and ultimately what is most important.  I can play chopsticks, and that is it.  My ear is not trained to pick up the nuances.  When the girls play my old "won't stay in tune" Wurlitzer, it sounds fine to me, even though I know its not "right".  Does that make sense?  I know it's not tuned correctly, I can hear that, but I am not so sensitive to it that it bothers me a whole lot.  I've talked to a couple of people who have told me that playing on an out-of-tune piano is not horrible at their levels EXCEPT, they are both also singers.  They need the piano to match pitch, and right now they are better off to use apps on their iPods for that purpose.  That is kind of sad.  

I've visited this issue many times.  I drop it and come back to it, and that is not the right thing to do.  I've periodically searched for used equipment, but I don't have enough knowledge to make a good decision. I think my best bet is to buy something new, from a somewhere with a generous return policy.

Why an "entry level" ?  My thought is that in 1 or 2 or 3 more years I will really know where the girls stand on piano.  Is it going to be hobby, or scholarship possibility?  My guess is that it will be a hobby, hopefully a life long one, and one that will really enhance other musical areas, but not their 'most developed' talent. I hope I am wrong. I think, between you, me and the fence post, I have messed up with BigB on this. Had I been more educated when she started playing, and I had her with a better teacher, and she didn't loose 3 years ... well, water under the bridge.  I'm not sure if she will decide to "catch up" to where she could and should be. I can't do it for her.

Another question is lessons.  Hmmm.  That is a big dilemma.  It's not the "what came first" question, it's the what came second question.  I know there is interest and talent.  If I have to choose, do I spend on the equipment or the instruction?  Also, I have two very different kids. Do I make changes for one, and not the other?  Am I to that point?  And, do I let the one who doesn't want to be in piano at all go ahead and drop it, so that I can reallocate the money and provide better for the one who is working at it? 

There are MANY more money questions, from school to groceries. There are lots of places that are changeable, but the changes are hard, and they are scary, and there are no guarantees.  I really like the option of being at home more, but I cant seem to make that cost work right now.

That whine is over. For now.

Oh, a second whine.  I got several new blouses for me and BigB to share. (we wear the same size).  They were "talls" AND on a good sale. A rare combintation.  The only thing was many of the blouses needed to by line dried so they wouldnt shrink.  In anticipation for packing for our upcoming trip, I put them in the wash all together, along with some other old items.  Last night when we were at CCT rehearsal, MightyMo dried the whole load.  My new shirts are shrunk. I am going to rewet them and try to stretch them back out, but I think they are going to always be shorter than they were supposed to be.

Harry Potter and the End of Childhood.

I know a lot of people don't like the HP stories because of the elements of witchcraft and sorcery.  I can debate that, but that is another blog, and not at all what this post is about.    This blog is about a tradition. And imagination.  And growing up. And facing the scary parts of the world.  If it makes you feel better, you can mentally substitute any series of 7 or more books/movies, either real or imaginary.

TMan's 1st HP Book

I bought TMan his first HP book when he was in 2nd or 3rd grade.  He was a fairly avid and advanced reader for his age, and the book had been very well reviewed and someone (no idea who, now) had recommended it. I remember seeing it in a display at Books-A-Million, and thinking "oh yeah, that is that book I heard about".  I bought it on a whim in hardback (paperback wasn't out yet). It wasn't something he'd asked for.  He started the book, and read a few chapters and said he just couldn't get into it, and but it down in order to read something else.  I had an "oh well".

Several months later, boredom set in one day, and he picked up the book again.  I am not sure if he started where he left off, or went back and read from page one, but he was hooked.  He couldn't put it down.  He finished it, and then flipped it over to page one, and started it again. He finished it a second time, and then read it a third.  He kept telling me how good it was.

This book has been read
at least 100 times.

Book two was already out, and we got that one in hardback, too.  As he started reading it, I finally got to read the Book 1.  I couldn't put it down.  I immediately wanted to read book two, but TMan wasn't giving it up.  He was re-reading it again. And again. And again.

And so it went on.  Basically the same thing happened with book 3, which was released just a few weeks after book 2.

On July 8, 2000 we went to our first midnight release for book 4.  We stood in line for about 4 hours Barnes and Noble at Springdale Mall to pick up TMan's preordered copy.  There was some problem with his order -- they couldn't find a record of it-- but kindly, and quietly, the man gave him his copy. There was quite a bit of panic and desperation, because this was the first US release to create a bunch of hype.  Preorders exceeded the number of copies printed.   Those who didn't preorder AND pick up early would likely be waiting several more weeks for their copies.

By this time, my mom was also hooked, as well as other adult friends.  In fact, at that first midnight release, we had our own little party at the bookstore.  TMan got the book somewhere around 12:30am.  It was over 700 pages.  He finished by 10am on release day.  He slept, and then flipped back to page one, and started over.

October 21, 2001 was TMan's eleventh birthday.  Much to our disappointment, no owls came delivering letters from Hogwarts.  He was crushed.  ;-)

On November 16, 2001 the first movie is released. Tman was eleven years old and in the 4th grade.  We just knew it was an instant hit.  We decided that nothing would do except to see the first showing in Mobile, which happened to be at noon at Hollywood theater's.  We skipped work and school, and arrived early, thinking the theater would be packed.  Much to our surprise, there was only a small turn out.  We were interviewed by the paper.  Daniel Radcliff was unknown, and people stopped TMan to tell him HE should be playing the role of HP.   I couldn't have agreed more.  He could have totally pulled off the British accent.

And so began a tradition with the TMan and me.  We went to the first release of the 2nd movie, and the 3rd.   Somewhere along the way, life got in the way, and we couldn't get to the first showing, but we still managed to see it the first day (barely, it was almost midnight).   We've done midnight book releases, and even arranged shipments to find us at hotels when the books came out when we were traveling.  I eventually figured out that sharing a book didn't work out too well, and I started preordering two copies of new books.

And like a good book, this story comes to an end.   For about 12 years we did the book thing.  The first movie came out 10 years ago when TMan was just entering his tweenish years.  And now, 10 years and 8 movies later, TMan is well on his way to adulthood.  He grew up with Harry and us going to the last movie together was like saying goodbye to a good friend, and the end of  TMans  childhood.  He'll be 21 just  a few months, and is so close to being on his own.

There were a few things in the movie that made me shed a tear.  But I didn't really cry until TMan and I walked out of the theater together.  I knew it was the last time we'd do that; the end of our tradition.  By the time I got to my car, I was just about beside myself.   Thankfully, I hid it well and he didn't see it -- he'd be giving me grief for the next 10 years.

So this ends my story.  And ends a tradition. And ends a childhood.  And, we say goodbye to Harry.

It's just not me.....

I had a very special day yesterday. It's was filled with family and old friends.  I was "kidnapped" by my brother and his significant other and treated to things that I rarely never get to do... 

• *The day started early, around 1pm, with my first ever Swedish Massage - 60 full minutes or relaxation. I cannot tell you how wonderful it was. 
• *Later in the evening, we met up with some friends from high school years.  Actually my brothers friends, but since we were pretty close in age, and we all got along, I guess they were my friends too. 
• *A nice dinner.  Except I couldn't eat. :(
• *Time out with adults at places that don't have kid menus.  The only disappointing thing was that I didn't get asked for ID.  I was waved in every door.
• *At 2nd adult place, there was live music. I knew almost none of the songs.  
• *Also at 2nd adult place, I played pool.  I used to be OK at it.  Now I am just BAD. I missed shots that I could have made with my eyes closed in my college days.

I remember when a night like this would have topped my fun list.  And though I enjoyed it, especially the company, I realized it is not me.  I'm not sure it ever was. 


OK - The massage was me.  Totally me.


So, even though I am not 100% in love with where I am in life,  today I am glad to be back to me.  

48 Questions

1. WERE YOU NAMED AFTER ANYONE? Yes, Letitia for my paternal grandmother. And Susan after my maternal grandmother and great aunt.

2. WHEN WAS THE LAST TIME YOU CRIED? Hmm, within a week.

3. DO YOU LIKE YOUR HANDWRITING? It's ok.

4. WHAT IS YOUR FAVORITE LUNCH MEAT? Roast beef

5. DO YOU HAVE KIDS? 3 of my own, 1 adopted, and about 80 that I claim.

6. IF YOU WERE ANOTHER PERSON, WOULD YOU BE FRIENDS WITH YOU?  Maybe. Probably. Sure.

7. DO YOU USE SARCASM?  I try.

8. DO YOU STILL HAVE YOUR TONSILS? Nope!  Been gone since I was 6.

9. WOULD YOU BUNGEE JUMP?  I think not, but I would skydive.

10. WHAT IS YOUR FAVORITE CEREAL? Frosted flakes and Honey nut cheerios.

11. DO YOU UNTIE YOUR SHOES WHEN YOU TAKE THEM OFF? Depends on the shoes.  I don't think i have worn anything other than flip flops in over a month.

13. WHAT IS YOUR FAVORITE ICE CREAM?  Vanilla or Coffee. I prefer frozen yogurt.

14. WHAT IS THE FIRST THING YOU NOTICE ABOUT PEOPLE? Eyes.

15. RED OR PINK? Pink

17. WHO DO YOU MISS THE MOST? My grandmothers.

18. DO YOU WANT EVERYONE TO COMPLETE THIS LIST?
What kind of question is that? Of course.  I think it would be interesting.

19. WHAT COLOR PANTS AND SHOES ARE YOU WEARING?  Black and white PJ pants, and no shoes.

21. WHAT ARE YOU LISTENING TO RIGHT NOW? Commercial on tv.

22. IF YOU WERE A CRAYON, WHAT COLOR WOULD YOU BE? Silly question. But, I'll bite.  I'll go with green.

23. FAVORITE SMELLS?  See blog:  http://bluetoiletwater.blogspot.com/2011/06/these-are-few-of-my-favorite-things.html?m=1

24. WHO WAS THE LAST PERSON YOU TALKED TO ON THE PHONE? TMan

25. DO YOU LIKE THE PERSON WHO SENT THIS TO YOU? Luv her!

26. FAVORITE SPORTS TO WATCH? SEC football and gymnastics.

27, HAIR COLOR: Poo.  Salt and pepper. Except my pepper is kinda muddy brown.

28. EYE COLOR:  hazelish / brown. Changes a bit with my mood.

29. DO YOU WEAR CONTACTS? No.

30. FAVORITE FOOD? Gravy

31. SCARY MOVIES OR HAPPY ENDINGS? Happy endings. I love suspense movies.  I don't do horror flicks.

32. LAST MOVIE YOU WATCHED?  Cars 2. I was disappointed that it wasn't an opera.

33. WHAT COLOR SHIRT ARE YOU WEARING?  Black and white. It matches the pj pants.

34. SUMMER OR WINTER? Winter.

35. HUGS OR KISSES? Hugs.

37. MOST LIKELY TO RESPOND? ???

38. LEAST LIKELY TO RESPOND? ???

39. WHAT BOOK ARE YOU READING RIGHT NOW?  Not.  :(

40. WHAT IS ON YOUR MOUSE PAD? Dust.

41. WHAT DID YOU WATCH ON TV LAST NIGHT? Can't remember.  Fell asleep.  Quickly.

42. FAVORITE SOUND(S): Laughter, my kids singing and playing piano, baby's cooing, MSC,    I am developing an appreciation for many forms of classical music.

43. ROLLING STONES OR BEATLES?  Which songs?  I don't like bands or artists, I like songs. Wondering how this will transfer to classical stuff.

44. WHAT IS THE FARTHEST YOU HAVE BEEN FROM HOME? Athens, Greece.

45. DO YOU HAVE A SPECIAL TALENT? Nope. Seriously. Though I often envy those who do, I am ok with it. I am a little good at lots of things, not exceptional at one or two.

46. WHERE WERE YOU BORN? Cleveland, TN

47. WHOSE ANSWERS ARE YOU LOOKING FORWARD TO GETTING BACK? It'll be a blog, so I have no idea who will respond.  I hope Chickenandcowlady does.

48. HOW DID YOU MEET YOUR SPOUSE/SIGNIFICANT OTHER? Bowling.

Snooze Button Addiction

I have love-hate relationship with my snooze button.  This is a relatively new problem for me. I'm not your typical snoozer.  For years I've gotten up when the alarm clock went off.  Not now.

When the problem first began, I compensated.  I was routinely hitting snooze, and even sometimes turning off the alarm, and falling back asleep. NOT GOOD.  I compensated by setting a 2nd alarm.  Right now, for the summer, the first one goes off at 6:20, the second one goes off at 6:30.

Well the problem is that I am hitting the snooze button for both alarms MANY, MANY times. This morning, I finally crawled out of bed around 7:00am, which was way late for our morning routine and getting me to work by 8:00 or 8:15.  I am not sure what I am going to do when school starts back and I have to get up an hour and 15 minutes earlier and LEAVE the house at 6:40. 

I use my iPhone for my alarm clock.  There is an app (also worked for iPod Touch) that I used for a while called "sleep cycle" that actually worked fairly well.  You set an alarm time, and then literally put your phone in bed with you.  The program uses the iPhone's motion sensor, and senses your movements.  If you start moving (naturally waking) during the 30 minutes before your alarm time,  the alarm would go ahead and go off.  If you were dead to the world, and didn't move at all, the alarm goes off at your alarm time. 

When the app worked, the whole concept worked wonderfully for me.  Using my body's natural waking made me feel refreshed and more rested.  However -- there was a problem.  If I used my phone at all after setting the alarm, the alarm turned off.  So, if I get a middle of the night phone call or text (this happens when you have a college student), and I took the call, or read the text, I had to go back through the motions of setting the alarm.  In my partially asleep state, I forgot to do that.

Anyway -- any suggestions for breaking my snooze addiction would be most appreciated.  Please note that the suggestion "get more sleep" or "go to bed earlier" is not an option. 

Today...

Things I did today:

Church:  A fun, but serious sermon series called "Mythbusters". The myth explored today:  "Once saved, always saved"?  The music, once again, got to me in the not so good way. 

Lunch:  Home for lunch:  Left over spaghetti.  Ok, only the sauce was left over.  I boiled fresh pasta.

Visiting: Over to PapaO's for a quick visit.  He seems to be doing well.  He's eliminating some things that were MamaO's, like her doll collection.  He wants the girls to have them.  BigB didn't want them.  Pack rat MOjo wanted them all.  He gave me a pint of blueberries he'd picked.  He has them growing in his front yard.

Rehearsal:  Off to CCT for Birdie rehearsals.  I talked to people about costumes today.  We knew we'd have to have a poodle skirt made for BigB.  We borrowed one for MOjo.  They both need petticoats to make them "poofy".

Shopping:  I went to Wally World of Saraland.  I didn't see any opera characters today.  Probably because I was studying.  I bought canning jars.  Yep.  I did.  I have no idea when I will do this canning project, but I am getting ready.  I need to get my canning pot and jar rack from mom's attic.  I need fruit. Or veggies.  I also looked at the patterns and fabric. I got a call from BigB that said they were through with rehearsal about 40 minutes earlier than I expected.  I rushed to checkout and pick them up.

Cold Snap:  On the way home, we got frozen yogurt.  I got caramel flavored.  This is my current favorite place.  Better than Marble Slab, better than Chill.  

Hancocks:  Stopped and got the pattern, fabric and stuff for BigB's poodle skirt.  

GG's:  Stopped and saw GG for a few minutes. Dropped off the skirt stuff.  Discussed the stuff going on this week. GG said she was good for tomorrow.  I could go over Tuesday's schedule with her tomorrow evening.  She thought it best to take it one day at a time.

Home:  Back home.  Dinner. A little FB.  Some HP on TV.  MightyMO had cooked dinner.  Taught MOjo how to shave her legs tonight.  Oh my. 

It was a pretty good day.  But I really was wishing I didn't have to go back to work tomorrow.  I want to be a stay at home mom.   I want to make B's skirt myself.  I want to have time to try my hand a canning, and gardening. I want to do things differently.  

Ugh. I sound like a broken record.  

I am your biggest fan ... but, you know, you could have done better.

I am my kids biggest fan.  I don't miss an opportunity to brag.  Sorry folks, I know it's obnoxious and all, but it is what it is.  My kids are smart, talented, and beautiful. As someone so aptly put it, I hit the trifecta.  I am blessed many times over.

The flip side of that is that I am also their biggest critics.  I don't mean to be.  I just recognize where improvements could have been made, and try to help them see where they may have cut a corner, or something they could do better the next time.  To them, though, it often seems like I am shooting down their accomplishments by talking about what they could have done better.

I want the best for them.  As parents, most of us come to realize that the only way for them to get the best out anything is to go and get if for themselves.  We can provide the best schools, the best teachers, the best opportunities, the best "things",  but parenting is really about teaching your kids to work hard for what they want, and to use all the tools and advantages they have. Some things will be really easy.  Some things will be really hard.  

What I don't want is for my kids to think things will be handed to them, or that the deserve things that they didn't earn.  I see signs of this sometimes, and I am really not sure where it came from.  Is it society?  I honestly don't think it came from me. Expecting something you didn't earn leads to hurt and disappointment. But (I chronically have a "but"), that also doesn't mean that it's wrong to give them something if you can, just so long as they have the proper attitude about receiving it.

So,  kids (my natural kids and my adopted kids) , know that I am so very proud of you!  And also know that I always be there to help you do better. Sometimes, even when you don't want me to be.

Intelligence vs. Initiative

I'm pretty average.  Just normal.  My IQ is somewhere between "bright normal" and "dull normal" on the Weschler scale, just like 82.2% of  the world.

I have often had people comment on how "smart" I am.  They are wrong.  They have confused intelligence with initiative. I am not afraid to ask questions, to figure things out. In fact, generally I cannot stand to leave something unfigured out.  And then, once it becomes routine, it becomes mundane and boring.

I actually think that lack of initiative is what is wrong with many in the American work force. I hear people say that the problem with the workforce is that people don't want to work.  I disagree.  I think most people want to work, it's just that they want to be spoon fed.  They want the boss to tell them exactly what to do and how to do it so that there is no personal responsibility for failure.  If they take no initiative, and wait for the spoon, how will they ever learn to feed themselves?

Sometimes intelligence can actually be detrimental.  I've seen this firsthand.  When someone can get by on intelligence alone, they don't always have to take initiative, and they get frustrated and give up when things dont come easy.

Initiative takes on many forms.  I recently read a blog by a young person participating in a piano camp.  She was talking about her willingness to play first, to answer questions, ask questions and participate in discussion.  She took initiative, and this was recognized by the instructors.  It was also recognized by her co-students (maybe even in the form of a snooty remark or two).  I wonder, why it is that taking initiative in this form gets condemed by so many kids?  Why is that kids who try to get the most out of an opportunity are labeled "teachers pets" and "a$$ kissers"? What is so good about being aloof and and passive?  How do you get the most from something if you don't reach out and grab hold?

So, I challenge all young people:  Take initiative!  Don't worry about any labels.  Initiative, coupled with perseverance will take you further than superior intelligence.  Intelligence is a  bonus.

Easy Come.... Easy Go..... Easy Button

My children want an easy button.  For EVERYTHING.  OK, that is not 100% true. One child wants an easy button for everything.  One wants it for some things.

Easy Button Request Number 1:  Mom, where are my ____________ (shoes, socks, clothes, towels, piano books, A/R books, snacks.... )  You know, last time I checked, I didn't wear / play with / read their __________.  I tell them to look around and find it.    Whine, whimper, etc.... but I've TRIED.  Go and pick up one or two things and uncover it.  Easy.

Easy Button Request Number 2:  I practiced / studied enough.  You know, there is rarely such thing as TOO MUCH.  Only a Billy Goat can get too much.

Easy Button Request Number 3:  Will you fix me a glass of ___________ (milk, tea, water, etc.)  Your legs don't look broken to me.


Easy Button Request Number 4:  If I get a "real" teacher, it will be easy.  Real teachers don't give you the answers.  They give you the tools you need to get to the answers on your own. 

You know, I'd like an Easy  Button of my own.  But years of experience have told me that, in general, I value the things I've worked for more than the things that came easy.  I guess I value being a parent.  I work at it.

Making Changes

Why, why, why is "change" sometimes so hard and painful, but sometimes it's a huge fun and adventuresome? And how can it sometimes be both?

I need to make some changes.  I am stagnate, and feel like I am failing in many so areas of my life.  I want to do something different.  No, I want to BE something different.  Wait,  no, not really, well.... maybe.   I'm not sure.  Maybe what I want to do is embrace the areas of my life that are good, and hold on with both hands, and build on that.  I am tired of holding on to things that make me miserable.  But somehow I can't shake them.  Some have a hold on me, and some  I have a hold on, and cant seem to let go.

Here is the thing.  I'm not the same person I was 15 years ago.  Actually, I am probably more of the person I wanted to be 15 years ago.  15 years too late, maybe.  I've definitely changed.  My priorities have changed.  My values have changed.  What makes me feel complete has changed.  I feel like I have grown as a person, and that I am thankful for those changes.  And in someways, I really haven't changed that much.  Fifteen years ago I conceded that things had to be a certain way to work.  Now I am not so sure. I see new possibilities, mainly because I am willing to let go of some things, and anxious to embrace others.

What is hard is that my changes are not embraced by all those around me.  That's hard to face.

I am so far from perfect. I am not a perfect wife. I am not a perfect mother. I am not a perfect friend.  I have some issues and I know it.  I call it temporary OCD.  I have a tendency to jump into things 110%, to the exclusion of all other things, and then, when things get a little mundane, or boring or repetitive, they either end, or I let them die out. And then I start looking for the next thing.  I've done this about school, infertility, sewing, choosing a dog, reading, writing, church activities, my favorite children's choir,  work projects.  Some say that this is bad.  I see it as continued growth.  A willingness to embrace change and try something new. 

This history of taking on new things is seen as a negative by some, because each time something new came, something ended. But each of these projects came to a natural conclusion.  An end.  Yes, I could have perpetuated them, but I chose to move on to something else.  Is that bad?  I don't want to do the same thing day in day out for the rest of my life.  That is boring.  I want to keep learning new things, experiencing life.  

Living life is risky.

Change is hard. Very hard.  And scary.  Very scary.  Even when it's necessary.

Confessions: Contemporary Christian Music

I like contemporary Christian music. I like the way it makes me feel - lifted, moved, like I NEED to sing along.

Occasionally, when the topic comes up, I get a little grief from the 'real' musicians I know. Apparently, this form of music gets condemned both on style and topic. Style wise, the 'contemporary Christian' is a catch all for everything from rap to rearranged classic hymns like Amazing Grace. It's the subject matter and what it's not that qualifies the style. It's not country and its not classical. Maybe it's the lack of defined style that gets grief.

As for topic, the people I have heard condemn the subject matter aren't condemning the belief in God. They condemn those who appear to be hypocrites; those who write and perform the music, and then lead non Christian lives.

Anyway, surprisingly, today in church the music got to me, and not in a good way. It grated on my nerves from the first note. My limited knowledge came into play, and I was critical. The little girl next to me was yelling the verses at the top of her lungs, and I cringed at the wrongness of it. I realized why some things are not good for kids. I found the music today heavy handed, and not really musical. The "rocking it up" with multiple electric guitars and such was distracting.

This is not how I typically feel. But, today I did. Anyway, I left church with a splitting headache. A borderline migraine. I wanted to close my eyes and sleep.

Have you ever had a special billy goat?

Has there ever been someone who has entered your life, and you feel the need to tell them that they are special? Have you felt that God has placed them there for a reason? And have you ever felt, that for some unknown reason, you God wants you to be in their life, too?

Well, I have some very special people in my life whom I feel this way about. One in particular has surprised me, and become very special to me. This particular young lady is someone has made me laugh often. She has challenged me with her wit and kept me on my toes. The surprise is that as of today, she is only 14. It's her birthday! She is definitely someone who should be celebrated.

This young lady will be a force to be reckoned with as she gets older. She is being brought up right, and is full of confidence and self worth, but lacks any air of snootiness or conceit. She is brilliant, and not afraid of her intelligence. In fact, she embraces it, and unlike most fourteen year olds, she has the self discipline and motivation to get the very most from herself. And even when she does give her best, she calls on herself to give a little more. She exudes leadership, and compassion, and genuineness. She is unique, beautiful, and loads of fun.

So, Billy Goat, this is me telling you how very special you are, and how blessed and glad I am that our paths have crossed! :) I hope that I get to be someone you remember fondly when you are a famous opera singer, pianist, politician and motivational speaker. You will always be dear to me.