Making Changes

Why, why, why is "change" sometimes so hard and painful, but sometimes it's a huge fun and adventuresome? And how can it sometimes be both?

I need to make some changes.  I am stagnate, and feel like I am failing in many so areas of my life.  I want to do something different.  No, I want to BE something different.  Wait,  no, not really, well.... maybe.   I'm not sure.  Maybe what I want to do is embrace the areas of my life that are good, and hold on with both hands, and build on that.  I am tired of holding on to things that make me miserable.  But somehow I can't shake them.  Some have a hold on me, and some  I have a hold on, and cant seem to let go.

Here is the thing.  I'm not the same person I was 15 years ago.  Actually, I am probably more of the person I wanted to be 15 years ago.  15 years too late, maybe.  I've definitely changed.  My priorities have changed.  My values have changed.  What makes me feel complete has changed.  I feel like I have grown as a person, and that I am thankful for those changes.  And in someways, I really haven't changed that much.  Fifteen years ago I conceded that things had to be a certain way to work.  Now I am not so sure. I see new possibilities, mainly because I am willing to let go of some things, and anxious to embrace others.

What is hard is that my changes are not embraced by all those around me.  That's hard to face.

I am so far from perfect. I am not a perfect wife. I am not a perfect mother. I am not a perfect friend.  I have some issues and I know it.  I call it temporary OCD.  I have a tendency to jump into things 110%, to the exclusion of all other things, and then, when things get a little mundane, or boring or repetitive, they either end, or I let them die out. And then I start looking for the next thing.  I've done this about school, infertility, sewing, choosing a dog, reading, writing, church activities, my favorite children's choir,  work projects.  Some say that this is bad.  I see it as continued growth.  A willingness to embrace change and try something new. 

This history of taking on new things is seen as a negative by some, because each time something new came, something ended. But each of these projects came to a natural conclusion.  An end.  Yes, I could have perpetuated them, but I chose to move on to something else.  Is that bad?  I don't want to do the same thing day in day out for the rest of my life.  That is boring.  I want to keep learning new things, experiencing life.  

Living life is risky.

Change is hard. Very hard.  And scary.  Very scary.  Even when it's necessary.