New Name, New Address, Same 'ol, same 'ol

I've made the leap and moved my blogging to WordPress.  Visit me at:

http://farmgalatheart.wordpress.com/

One year ago today...

It was one year ago today that my brother called ...

It was one year ago today that I went to my Dad's apartment because he hadn't answered his phone....

It was one year ago today that I asked the manager to unlock the door because he didn't answer when I knocked...

It was one year ago today that I called 9-1-1....

It was one year ago today that I spent time talking to police...


It was one year ago today that I watched, for the first time ever, a sheet covered body being wheeled to an ambulance on a gurney....

It was one year ago today that I made several of the most difficult phone calls I've ever made...

It was one year ago today that I realized my dad had left this world.  Like so many times in his life, he left silently, without a word, and without giving me a chance to say goodbye, without wishing me well or without telling me he loved me.  Like so many times in his life, he was simply gone, and I have no idea when, or if,  I will meet him again.

We were not on the best of terms at the time of his death, but we always had a special connection, unlike the connection I have or have had with anyone else. Maybe it was because I was the oldest. Maybe it was because I was the only girl.  Maybe it was because he was him and I was me.

This day, one year ago, seems so much like a turning point now.  Like a day that the whole world did a back flip.  It's kind of the day that I gave up - on what I am not sure.  I gave up, not because of sadness over my dad's death, bur for sadness for his life.  It was a day of clarity, and a day dense, dark, dreary fog.  I am still trying to escape the fog.

Courageous

MightyMO, the girls and I watched the movie Courageous this weekend. The movie was excellent, and very emotional.  Since I am the queen of cry, I cried. A LOT.  Cinematically,  there were a few scenes that weren't as "professional" as most modern day feature films.   Mainly, I thought a few of the actors were kind of stiff.  Nothing major, though.  It wasn't like going to an elementary school play or anything. 

Story wise, very good.  Morally, EXCELLENT.

I don't want to spoil the movie for anyone of the two people who might read this, but the 'moral' of the story is clear in each preview.  This is about fathers following assuming their Biblical roles in the family.  There is talk in the movie (and in life) of the impact on society of children being raised without fathers, or a strong father figure, in their lives. This movie takes it a step further.  It's not just about being a good father, it's about being a courageous father. It's about being an accountable father.

Now, I have some friends and family who are not sure about Christianity.  I even have some that outright don't believe.  And while I would take issue with that on any day, I will say this: The principals of "fathering" presented in this movie apply whether you are a Jesus following Christian, Jewish, Muslim, Hindu, atheist, or agnostic or anything else.  This movie lays out the responsibilities of fathering. And whether or not you turn to the Bible for guidance, the fundamental responsibilities of being a father apply. Don't take it lightly.

Some of you know why this movie hit so close to home for me. I won't go into that today, but I will say that I don't know many men who are the fathers that they are called to be. In fact, I think many men shy away from any situation that might leave them accountable for their parenting beyond a superficial level.

I think that was one thing that most impressed me about the movie -- the "group" of male friends that was portrayed. Why are so many men afraid to have real friends? Why do they fear conversation? And why do they shy away from revealing anything about themselves? Why do they find it "weak" to let people know the real person? What is it they are trying to hide?  Why do they not want anyone to know they are "human"?


I recently listened to a radio broadcast on Christian radio where the the topic was parenting.  It suggested having a conversation with your kids where you litterally ask them about the example you are setting, and the level of influence.  So I asked my girls if they thought MightyMo and I were good spiritual influences in their lives. I asked if they saw us as good examples.  I get to toot my own horn a little, because my girls "complimented" me.  In not so many words, they said I talk-the-talk AND walk-the-walk. They also recognized areas that I need to work on - like too easily letting my feelings spill over from situations and influence the way I treat them.  IE:  If I have a bad day, they know it by how I treat them. They know I am human, and that humans have flaws, and that they can be overcome.  I think, in a nutshell, it takes more courage to expose your weaknesses than just about anything else.

I am not sure how to close this post.  I know I've kind of rambled. The end result is that the movie challenged me in ways that I did not expect to be challenged. It has stayed with me, at least for a few hours, and I find it sobering.  I pray that it is affecting others in a similar way.

Weekend in the wind...

My weekend has disappeared. It's gone.  Off the grid.  On some of may police/spy shows they say the spy or criminal is "in the wind".  Yep, that's what happened. 

Here's what got done....

• Friday:  Car fixed, took Mojo for tour of PPS, picked B up from PPS, ate at Moes, came home
• Saturday: B back to PPS, Got info and demo on Kindle, Eye Exam, Picked B up from PPS, ordered glasses, got hair cut for me and both girls, reserved movie at Redbox, picked up movie at Redbox, family watched movie from Redbox.
• Sunday: church, target, made whole wheat and white wheat bread, cut up celery and carrots for snacks, made spaghetti, ironed clothes.

The big things that I didn't get to... Wanted to spend a couple of hours on LMNOP stuff.  I will have to take time out of my work day now.  I didn't get the dog washed.  She stinks.  BAD.  And, we didn't make it to the Family Worship tonight.  It was a family follow up from B;s winter retreat, and I really wanted to go.  

I want more weekend....

Oversleeping

I don't typically oversleep.  And when I do, it's mere minutes.  Still, those lost minutes can mess up my whole day.  Today I overslept for 56 minutes.  I'm screwed.

I am not sure exactly what woke me up, but I think it was BigB walking by the door.  She goes to the kitchen to retrieve her ironed clothes every school day, and usually that movement jars me to jump from bed and get I going.  Today, I guess I missed it the first time.  She did walk by the room, and I jumped up, and looked at her and she was DRESSED AND READY TO GO!  I know the first words from my mouth were "I've overslept", and she chastised me, "Maaahhhhmmm, it's 6:04!".  Considering we generally walk out the door by 6:10, I deserved the chastising!  Needless to say, this morning's trip to the bus was done in PJ's, with one eye open, one hand on the wheel and the other sucking down coffee in giant gulps!

Well, trying to recover from a lost hour on a work day is just about impossible. Kinda messes up the whole day!  But I am trying! :)

Distracted, but HAPPY.

This morning I prayed for focus.

I was focused, but not on what I needed to focus on - WORK.  (Please Lord, let me focus!)  Immediately after my prayer this morning, a friend - an acquaintance really --  who has gone through a very rough situation popped into my mind, and even though I tried, I could not shake the fact that today, I just needed to contact her.  So I embraced the weirdness and did just that. 

Of course, since I wrote out a message, and I tend to over write, and over edit, I spent most of the morning writing her note.  Then I just checked in on FB. And looked at a few peoples pages, and read a few posts, and updated my status, and texted a few times and... Well, you get the idea. I've wasted the morning.  Now instead of working, I am here, blogging.

What is wrong with me?

Dear Diary

Most of my posts have zero views.  I am not surprised by this, and anonymity is kind of a good thing.  I used to say that I wanted to be rich and anonymous.  Maybe I should say that again.

My blog is not a blog for entertainment, so I am perfectly OK with the fact that most posts aren't read.  Mostly the blog is for me, and a place to express my thoughts and sort through the multitude of emotions that I have.  I always write as though someone is reading, but really, I am writing for me. I guess that makes it more of a diary. A public diary.  Weird. 

There are a few who stop by the Toliet Water from time to time.  I'm sure they get tired of the whine.  Well, if you are one of those, please know that I am trying to effect a change.  I am trying to be happy. Joyous.  It's harder than it looks.  There are some days where I can put on a really good show.  Today,  I can't. Today I want to crawl under a rock.  Not sure why, or what is so different about today or any other day. 

Anyway, if you happen to be one of my 8 followers who randomly pop in, thanks. I am trying to make this a better place to visit.  I am looking for smiles and laughter in the little things.

So, non-readers, if you are out there, I offer you three cheers for anonymity.  It is a good thing! 

Good Golly, I made GHEE!

First of all, I have to say a huge THANK YOU to Chickenandcowlady for introducing me to ghee.  It is a wonderful thing to have around, and I am not sure how I managed the first half of my life without it.  My love for the stuff has been almost comical.  I am not sure if this is one of my temporary OCD infatuation things, or if its permanent, but I can tell you I like ghee better than I liked Zac Effron, and I liked him a lot. (But have you seen him in the trailer for the The Lucky One? - Oh my, I'd still take him to raise!)
 
Back on track here...

Ghee.  Chickenandcowlady has been generously supplying me with ghee.  I am MOST grateful.  I am not even sure how to say how much I appreciate or express  how much I love the stuff.  But, curiosity and a sense of independence grabbed hold of me, and I decided that I should try to make it myself.  Now, I have no cow, so I knew there was no way I was going to duplicate what I'd been used to.  I purchased butter in bulk (4lbs) at Sams, and followed a ghee recipe that CACL had sent me a link to.  I think she sent me the recipe, not so much for me to make it, but so I'd understand the process, and what happened as butter was transformed to ghee.  (chickenandcowlady is entirely to long, and it ticks my spell checker off every time I type it, so hence forward, CACL is it.)

 

I printed out the 6 pages or so of instructions and pictures and read and re-read them. I studied the pictures, and read the descriptions of the smells, and the way the bubbles looked.   I was ready.   So, in my stint of hanging out in the kitchen during The Saga of the Laminite Flooring, Part 3, I began.   I chopped up the butter and  put it on the stove, with my instructions sitting right beside me.  As the butter melted, I prepared my strainer and cheese cloth.  I watched a 4 minute video on You Tube on how to make ghee. (dang lady talked about food allergies more than she talked about how to make ghee.  Oh - and she said she used ghee as a moisturizer, which I found really odd, and way TMI in a 4 minute cooking video ). Just as the butter began to froth a little, I was called on to help on the flooring project, so I had to turn everything off, and go do that for a little while.  When I came back, I turned everything on again, and got back to the same point.  I referred to the recipe often, but I did one thing that was in the video and not in my printed recipe -- I skimmed the froth off the butter. Meticulously. 

I watched the pot, I sniffed, I studied and compared pictures to what was going on in the pot on my stove.  As I followed the recipe, I was worried, since nothing seemed to match up.   Not the color,  smells or the appearance of the bubbles.   I felt I was on my own, but I still referred to the pictures and instructions often. I'm glad I did.  After about 45 minutes, I suddenly, and somewhat unexpectedly found myself at the last step - fizzy bubbles.  There was the smallest amount of  colored stuff on the edges of the pot,  and there was a smell that was sort of nutty and caramelish, all at the same time. .  I removed from heat, and strained.  Low and behold there was a tiny amount of light golden brown stuff at the bottom of the pan, and in the cheese cloth. 

Ghee, just after straining.

Ghee, batch 1, after setting.

My ghee was more yellow than golden, but the smell was right. Still, I thought something was wrong.  I let it sit on the counter and went about my business.  A few hours later Mojo is hollering - "MOM, is that ghee?!?  YOU made that? (shock) It's so pretty!"  Low and behold, the ghee had set and it was gorgeous.  The color was creamy yellow, and the texture was, too. It smelled wonderful.  But as with all cooking, the proof is in the pudding.  So, we made toast.  OH MY GOODNESS.  It was richness.  I am so proud of myself!.

Ghee, batch II.

As it turned out, Mojo wanted to try her hand at ghee making, too.  I had only used half of my bulk Sams butter, so I said sure.  I still followed the directions, and this time, I didn't skim in the early stages, and actual cooking process on my stove much more closely followed the printed directions.  When we got to the end, we let it go just a little longer, and got more of a golden color to the ghee.  At first I was afraid it was burned, but there was no smell of burnt butter.  We strained, and this time, without the early skimming, there was much more stuff in the bottom of the pan and caught by the cheese cloth.  Then after comparing to pictures, I declared that Mallory and I had handled it perfectly. The color is just slightly more gold than the ghee from the first batch.   I forgot to take a picture of the set ghee, so I will be back to add that later.  You can see the picture in the background -- that is from the printed instructions.  Nice match, if I do say so myself.

My ghee is missing something that CACL's has that I will never be able to duplicate with my Sam's butter.  Freshness.  Hers is way, way better than mine, and I hope she'll continue to share.  Her ghee was in the cow a short time before, where as mine was in a store or a truck.  I am glad I went through this exercise -- it makes me appreciate what she shares with me even more. 

And I know now that I even though I can't have Zac, I can have ghee.

I am good with that.

Cooking up trouble!

Maybe I am not cooking up trouble, but I have gotten the evil eye a few times.   I don't think there is a smiley for evil eyes, or I would add one now.

We've been in the midst of the Saga of the Laminite Flooring.  We are on Episode 3, so there is another post, and a story in there somewhere.  During the actual installation process, it has been required that I stay close and be "on call" for when a third set of hands was required.  So, I cooked. 

I cooked last weekend, during Flooring Episodes 1 and 2, too.  I made home made pizza, whole wheat bread and cheaters veggie soup.  All was good, except that my bread was dense.  Just not light at all. This was the 3rd or 4th time I'd made whole wheat since getting my new KitchenAid mixer. I hate to compare it to store brought loaf bread, but I really was hoping to figure out how to get the texture closer to that of what I am used to.  So, of course , I turned to the super power.  The all knowing, chicken podiatry doctoring, cow impalement removing, cow wrangling, bodacious baking, honkey-tonk key slamming, Brave Cowwoman, AKA chickenandcowlady.   (She has her own superhero cape.  Seriously.  I've seen it in person.). I also asked her for her whole wheat bread recipe, since she had blogged that she put ghee in it.  Not sure if I've mentioned ghee on this blog, but its it's butter, but better, and it currently ranks top of my list of most important kitchen staples.  That, and garlic.

Back to the story. Dense bread.  So today, I tried her recipe for Non-Brick styled whole wheat, and I was super excited.  She was very through in her descriptions, and I got some insight in technique.  The bread mixed up beautifully -- it came to a nice dough ball that was slack (I figured out what that means, I think), but shapable.  It had ghee in it.  I was thrilled.  I turned the dough out of the mixer bowl into a large stainless steel bowl that I had coated with butter.  I set it in the oven with the light on to rise. I set the timer for an hour, and proceeded to prepare tonight's dinner. 

Imploded whole wheat bread.  :(

First mistake: Never, ever base bread rise on time only.  There are too many variables in temperature and humidity and such.  One day, rise may take an hour. Or another day, it my take 40 minutes.  Today was probably a 40 minute day, so when I peeked after an hour, I had a mess. The dough had probably grown 3 times in size, and had spilled over the sides of my bowl, and was hanging from the oven rack like wheat colored stalagmites. There was a pile in the bottom of the oven that resembled a fresh pile of -- well, I won't go there. However, we are in the year of positive attitude, so silly me was STILL somewhat excited.  Getting this much reaction from the yeast surely meant I had done something right!! But, alas, no one ever mentioned mountains of dough in bread recipes, so logic (and my pessimistic side) said something wouldn't be right.  I punched the dough down, kneaded, shaped and put it in the loaf pans and back in the oven for the 2nd rise.  I watched it more carefully this time.  When the dough had reached the top of the pan, I set it out of the oven and turned the oven on to preheat.  Just before putting it in to bake, I made a cut in the dough to allow for oven spring.  The dough deflated like I had let the air out of a balloon.  It deflated the most where I had made the cut.  Still -- I marched on, with high hopes.

I baked according to directions, and well, the dang loaf imploded in the oven.  The middle of the loaf was caved in.   I of course was saddened by this, but I took the loaves out, let them cool, and sampled them. The texture, was perfect, implosion and all!  Just what I wanted! The taste was remarkable -- though it needed salt.  Not sure if I didn't add enough, or forgot to put it in all together. 

Swiss Steak, simmering away!

The good news is that dinner, turned out GREAT.  I made Swiss Steak using Paula Dean's recipe.  A friend had been telling me how good it is, and I agree-- wonderful. 


I also attempted to make my own ghee... that shall be the next story!

I'm Facebook friends with God.

The other day, I updated my status on Facebook to this:

I've been praying about so many things, but one very specific thing was about a mission trip.  I've prayed about whether it is even the right thing to do, if the timing was right...  And if it is right, and if now is the time, how in the world would I pay for it?    Another thing I've bee praying about is a little more abstract -- more undefined, but I've been praying about finding joy, being grateful for each day, and figuring out how to be happy. I've asked God to help me with the process of regaining balance in my life, reordering my priorities, and figuring out what really makes me happy.   The prayers have been ongoing, but both these topics had been on my mind heavily at the beginning of the year, when I was thinking about resolutions. I wrote my a post here at the Toilet Water, Hope and Resolutions for 2012. 

I finished writing that blog entry, and posted it, and spent some time in cconcentrated prayer.  The next morning, I opened up FB, , two posts caught my attention.   There was a FB post regarding a contest for WINNING the opportunity to go on the VERY trip that I had hoped to go on. Wow.   My mind started working. I was recruiting friends, and planning visits to other churches, and writing emails in my head, and, mentally writing a plan to win the contest...  I felt like God had shown me the way.

Moments later, I read this quote posted by a friend: 

“I’d always believed that a life of quality, enjoyment, and wisdom were my human birthright and would be automatically bestowed upon me as time passed.  I never suspected that I would have to learn how to live - that there were specific disciplines and ways of seeing the world I had to master before I could awaken to a simple, happy, uncomplicated life.” -Dan Millman

This quote seemed to be so relevant to my quest for joy -- reminding me that it was up to me to live a joyous life, not for a joyous life to just happen.  I felt like I had received a message.

So I updated my status... "I think God is speaking to me through FB.".  

I guess the real question is:  When you pray for something, and then something REALLY relevant pops up, what we might call coincidence, is it random chance, or is it God?  Hmm.  Einstein apparently thought it was God.  He said "Coincidence is God's way of remaining anonymous.".    

My Picture of Perfect

I've ALWAYS known I wanted to return to a farm - country living. For most of my adult life, my picture has been returning to the country RICH. Ha!  You know, like Southfork in Dallas --  the big country house, and the white washed fences, and the groomed pasture, and the big beautiful barn that looks like it belongs in some Southern Farm & Gardens magazine.

Dream House

HA!  Well, I am realizing that is not going to happen, and I am also realizing that the country life I led as a child was pretty dang privileged.  Not that we SHOULD have been living that way -- we couldn't afford it, and of course my dad lost it all. More than HIS all,  he lost my grandparents all, too.

Realistic House

So, the picture is changing. It is becoming more realistic.  And I am okay with it. 

I've realized that going back to the "country" is probably going to take some sacrifices.  Except that I the harder I look at it, the less it looks like sacrifice, and the more it looks like freedom.

Of course, there are MANY questions to be answered, hurdles to be leapt, and prayers to pray.  But each day, the picture gets a little clearer.

Hope and Resolutions for 2012

If the last two days are any indication, there is hope for 2012!  As far as MightyMO and TMan getting along, the last 48 hours have been more promising than the last 48 months.  They actually worked together on the flooring project.  Not only did they work together, they got a long. They talked (about the work) and there was no cursing, door or fist slamming, or raised voices (except to yell over the saw).  MightyMO asked me today if I was paying TMan. The real question is -- have I given him incentive to help with the project, and the answer is no. I probably will give him a little money for his work, but the fact is, I'd have given him some pocket money for the trip back to Auburn anyway.  Same money, different thought process.

While I am excited about the new floors, I am still a little upset about the flooring project. Let's just say: I love it when people use the word WE but mean YOU.  I know a couple of people who do that.   After I was asked if I was "all in" on this project -- YES! -- then the details were laid out with stuff that "WE" needed to do as prep for the manual labor. This was mostly packing up stuff.   Guess how many people make up "we"?  I am even still waiting for the Christmas tree to be put up!  ((Finally, today, I suggested that WE have a family tree packing up party.   Nothing.  No bites,)   MightyMo and TMan did the hard labor of pulling up the old floor.  It was hard, knee cracking, back breaking work.

I've played with my toys yesterday and today!  Fun! I used the slicer/shredder attachment on the KitchenAid mixer for all of the veggies for the Hoppin John and coleslaw - the cabbage was from the garden. I chopped up a bunch of extra onions and celery, sealed about 1 cup in the food sealer bags, and froze them.  I got a little frustrated with my food sealer -- it kept telling me the moisture tray was full.  It was NOT!   I'll have to figure that one out. I also mixed up the cornbread mix with mixer.  I used a new recipe that was kind of sweet and cake like. Northern cornbread.  The kids loved it.  Today, I used the slicer and sliced carrots for MightyMOs snacks.  Then I made bread -- one loaf was basic white bread, the second was cinnamon.  I made a loaf of whole wheat this weekend, too.  It was FINE!  Great with ghee and pear butter.

MightyMO suggested we have the soil in the garden tested to see how to best treat it in preparation for the summer garden.  I took some soil samples from the garden, and bagged them.  TMan is taking them back to AU to and dropping them off at the Auburn Extension office.  I am hopeful that we can get things REALLY going growing this summer!  I've been looking at seed catalogs online.  (WHO AM I? My GRANDMOTHER?)  I have specifically been looking for tomato varieties geared to this coastal area.  I think I've found a few.    I have some silly questions, that I am going to have to embarrass myself to ask.   The next task is to find a cheap way to start the tomato seeds.  Those little peat cups seem awfully expensive. 

On to the resolutions....

I am NOT  making any.

OK -- Maybe one or two.

I hesitate to make resolutions, because I cannot think of any I've made in the past that I've actually kept. This year I simply want to work on things that bring me closer to the Lord, will bring me joy, will improve my health, and that will strengthen my family.  Pretty basic goals, huh?

I need to find a Bible Study that inspires me to stick with it. I'd love to find something online, but with other live people who are willing to enter into discussion.  Surely such a thing exists.... Anyway, I also need to do a better job of sticking to my reading plan. I need to be more involved at my church.

This year, I am redefining joy. I am beginning to realize that I have never had a good picture of what makes me happy.  I have always been a "the grass is greener" person -- aspiring for something else.  Not necessarily more, just something else.  I think I've largely relied on others to make me happy, instead of focusing on my state of joy coming from self reliance.  It's kind of an OH CRAP moment to realize I've been going about this all wrong.  So, I am working to achieve joy. I am going to become self reliant, to the extent I can.  Everyone else is welcome to come along for the ride.

I will work on my health this year.  I have to face the fact that I am officially "middle aged".  Curses! Where did time go?  If I am going to do some of the stuff I want to do during the second half of my life, I am going to have to be in a lot better physical shape than I am right now.  It sounds like a catch phrase, but I must build my core strength.  This is to protect my back.  So, exercise must be on the agenda this year. I want to be open minded, but I think right now I am going to focus on yoga/pilates and running.  The yoga addresses the mental and physical state of well being, pilates is ALL about core strength, and running for the cardiovascular system.  I hope I can make myself stick with it.  In addition to that, I am going to start working on the healthy eating again.  Not sure I want to jump full force back into Weight Watchers, but maybe some combination of things.  I've let my weight creep all the way back up to the highest it's ever been, including when I was pregnant. I need to loose about 35 - 40 lbs. 

Now, how I am going to strengthen my family?  There are many things I can do here, but first and foremost, this is where learning to say "NO" comes in.  If anything is a resolution this year, it's going to be that I shall learn to wield the power of the word NO.  Actually, it's not the word NO that I have a problem with.  It's responsibility I have a problem with.  I seem to have an inability to let things just fall apart -- things that are not my responsibility.  I will sacrifice things that ARE my responsibility, like my family, in their favor.   This is where I have to learn to say NO -- as much to myself as to others.

That's it.  A look at my New Years weekend and a look at my hopes for 2012. I hope that the "flavor" of this blog will change, becoming something more than a whining post.  I hope that I can pull out a few creative things, and that I will be reporting more happy moments.  Recording happy moments MIGHT even help me figure out what makes me happy

Off to work now -- it's time to start working on these things!

2011, don't let the door hit you in the ass.

With the exception of a few highlights, I have very much disliked this year.  Maybe someday I'll be able to look back and see 2011 as a pivotal point in my life, one where I decided that I needed to do things differently, that my priorities were out of order, and that I started making changes to gain some balance in my life.  Maybe someday I can look at 2011 as one of those wonderful life-lesson cliche's, and see myself on the other side of the cliche. For example:

"The gem cannot be polished without friction, nor man perfected without trials"

"The soul would have no rainbow had the eyes no tears." 

"If you are going through hell, keep going." - Sir Winston Churchill 

You see, I like these quotes.  I find them thought provoking, and they give me hope that there is something better yet to come. I hope 2012 brings it AND that I recognize it when it gets here! 

The Dark Days:  The year started with the end of my MIL's story.  She passed away in mid December of 2010, but getting through Christmas and New Years, and the first of the year was a challenge.  MightyMo had just started a new job, so we were adjusting to his adjustments, and moodiness, and changes.   And then, on the last day of January, my dad died.  Our relationship was strained, but I loved him.  The whole of December through March is just in one big blur.  I went deep, deep into my hole.  The rest of the year, right up through today,  seems to have just been an extension of that time, the way I felt, and the way I continue to feel.  

Winter Garden;  I discovered I actually enjoyed gardening.  Who would have thought?   I am now facing the dilemma that for the amount of work that went into the garden the output was not enough.  I don't think there is a one-to-one ratio.  In other words, a little more work (because of a lot more garden) would mean a LOT more to show!  I guess farmers feel this way often.   I cannot have even a little more garden in my back yard, so hmm.  I am trying to figure out how these people with small container gardens justify it. It's got to be a matter of what they plant. I have two pretty good rows of peas.  I picked peas and shelled them. Mmm. they were so good and sweet, but in the end, there were not enough for 2 people, much less 5. 

I am already thinking about the summer garden.  I've checked a couple of seed websites, since I am planning to start my own  plants this year.  I want mass production of tomatoes and squash. Maybe some of that wonderful ichabon (sp?) eggplant we liked so much.  I hope I can take the summer heat.  That is an honest concern, since I don't like being outside when it's much over 80.

Cooking/Canning:  Another new love. I enjoyed making stuff.  I made a lot to give a way, but I am now thinking in terms of pantry building. I want to be prepared for whatever is coming.   I guess I am feeling kind of like the people who built bomb shelters in the 60's.  It's out there...

Day Dreaming :  I've spent way too much of the year day dreaming.  Just while I've been typing this blog, I've drifted away to check for any updated property listings, read about how to build a farm pond, and looked up a recipe.  I think I have ADD. Seriously.

Medical Stuff:  I am back from looking up information about adult ADD.  And now I am thinking about medical stuff 2011 has brung (brought?  where art thou, oh grammar nazi!?!)  -- the physical kind, not the mental kind. I feel like 2011 has been plagued by medical stuff.  In the end, it's nothing super serious, but boy, is it draining.  Geege has had issues that have been worrisome. She is much better now, but the issues have taken their toll.  I had the boob bump of 2011.  BigB was diagnosed with the thyroid issues.  I've ended the year with this arm/shoulder thing that no one can quite seem to figure out.  The most current theory is a lymphoid system problem, (which after looking things up, makes a lot of sense).

Job stuff:  Well job stuff falls into two distinct categories.  My job, and MightyMo's job(s).  My job.  Well, I started to roll way downhill in my job back in the Dark Days. I have had one heck of time getting any momentum back.   I am trying to care -- to have a "get 'er done" attitude.  Just go do the work, and leave.  Maybe deep down I know it can never be that way, so I can't seem to get it done.  Anything distracts me.  I let everything distract me, is probably more accurate.  And then I start stressing about all I have to do, haven't done, and I don't sleep.  I dream about my to-do list. Which makes me not sleep well, so I get up in the middle of the night, and I don't sleep.  And then, during the day, I am tired, and more easily distracted, so I get further behind.  It is a vicious cycle.

Anyway, I am working on a plan to make MY job better.  Right now,I have to focus.  I have to get some of the monkey's off my back before I can make changes...

MightyMo changed jobs again this year.  After 13 years of him having one job (har-har), he's had 3 different jobs in the last 18 months. The current one, I hope, is a keeper.  He travels.  A LOT.  I like it.  The money is no where near what he needs it to be, but he hopes he can work his way up soon.  When he comes home, the world stops, and not in a good way.  We walk on egg shells.

Which brings me to marriage:  We cohabitate.  It's ok that way most of the time, and maybe someday some of the spark will return. There is an inordinate amount of miss communication.  From times and dates of who is doing what... to, well,  everything from making health insurance decisions, to the plans for Christmas day, and that is just in the last week.  I do not have this problem with another soul in the world, which makes it really hard for me to think it's me, though I realize it takes two to tango. There is anger and resentment, that admittedly goes both ways.  This is affecting everyone, especially my precious girls.  They want to see a counselor.  I am afraid they think that will fix all -- too much TV.  But they've asked, so I will take them.   There are other concerns, but this is not the time or place for that.

There have been joyous things in 2011.  Things that I would not trade --

Kids - I've seen BigB thrive -- at school, at church, at just being herself. She is a special kid.  MoJo has come into her own in many ways.  When something needs to be done, she takes care of things (better than me!) I've nick-named her "HM", which stands for High Maintenance.  It infuriates her, but she is always needing something -- some validation, some intervention, some special treatment --which makes her VERY high maintenance.  It's exhausting.  But this is the part about the good stuff! (And this, in a weird way, is some of her good stuff!)  TMan is becoming a true man, in so many ways.  He is more thoughtful, more willing to help, and more responsible than ever. He worries about me a little - a very little, probably because he's seen me through so many very tough things -- he knows I'll be okay.

Volunteer Stuff.  Have I ever mentioned that I could be a professional volunteer?  Its something I love to do.  I like lending a hand where needed, or helping a worthy cause, but I admit, I enjoy it largely for selfish reasons. It makes me feel good about myself.  It brings me joy.  It makes me feel appreciated and needed.

For the most part, my volunteer work with the LMNOP choir brings me joy.  I love the organization. I love what I've seen it do for kids where the families will embrace the demands, and not make excuses.   I am learning, however, that  I need to set limits, and that is no one's fault but mine.  That is my number one priority for 2012.  Limits.

The Billy Goat:  This has been the year of the Billy Goat.  And I am not talking about the Chinese Zodiac.  I am talking about Caprino, and what a wonderful gift she is to me -- and the world. (Seriously!) She's probably going to save the world by playing a piano concerto at a meeting of NATO, or something. And after that, she'll make her speech about the power of opera, and sing a self composed aria about world peace.  And cows.  And the world shall be saved.  The end.  I can see it happening.   She is that special.

Spiritual Growth:  I've done a better job spiritually this year.  I feel the pull to do so much more.  I am watching for something that will give me some direction. I've turned to the Lord with all of the things that have made 2011 rough, and my prayers have been addressed (answered is not the right word!).  I've also have done a better job  remembering  to say thank you.  I am truly blessed. I feel like I am moving beyond the idea of being a Christian, more toward that personal relationship with Jesus I've heard so much about.  I've been both envious and doubtful of people who've sad they had this relationship.  I've even wondered if it was sort of like having an imaginary friend -- you know, because the kid with an imaginary friend believes and accepts that friend, even when those around them don't.  Do I have the faith of a child?  Anyway,  I think I am finally beginning to understand. 

So, these are my thoughts for sending out 2011.   I hope to blog again in the next few days about what I can and will do to realize my hopes and dreams for 2012. My dream for 2012 is simple:  I want joy.   I want to wake up each day and be happy that the day has begun. I don't want to dread a single day.   I want to be happy to be with the people in my life, and to love, and feel loved.  I want to do for others, and while its not THAT important, I'd like some occasional validation. (I do get that from some people -- more than I deserve!)  I guess my goal for 2012 is to figure out the combination of circumstance that really makes me happy, and figure out a way cocoon myself in happiness.

So, I leave you, my dear 3 readers,  with this thought from a fortune cookie.  It is glued to the corner of my computer screen on my desk at work, and has been for a long time. It's time to stop looking at it, and start living it!

Also, maybe it would be a good idea to get a lottery ticket. :)

pre-Christmas blo

 Note:  This blog was never finished and posted.  Obviously, it is a pre-Christmas blog. It is now post Christmas, and the blog is still not finished, but I am posting it anyway.

------------------

It's that time of year.  Merry Chickin' Lickin' Christmas. I am more tired (tireder?) than I can remember in a long, long time. In fact, the last two times I remember being this tired was on  my trip to Europe ( day 1: a day of sightseeing after 24 hours of travel, and the day we arrived back in the states, after 30 hours of travel.) and my trip to NYC.  This morning, I was (seriously!) concerned about falling asleep at red lights on the way to work.  I am ok while moving, its that moment of lull that does me in.

Some of the tired is good -- Loving having TMan home, especially while MightyMO is out of town.  That sounds horrible, but they don't get along at all, and the tension is always thick when they are with in a few miles of each other.   It's nice to have TMan around without the stress. This is the first time I can remember that happening in a LONG, LONG, LONG time.

I've worked (ha!) during the day, and then handled a few after school activities, worked on my homemade gifts, prepared baskets for said gifts and other general domestic activities.   I've had many late nights, some due to activiteis, and some self inflicted, and some because I couldn't sleep.  It's all catching up with me.

I am frustrated AGAIN with Mojo's School.  Even the Geege has said she thinks its time to pull the plug -- midyear.  Yes, midyear..  Mom also told me that SHE WILL MANAGE THE HOMESCHOOLING for the 2nd half of the academic year.  Wow.


This week is the last week of school before Christmas break.  Mojo's teacher has apparently decided that there is so much of "everything else" this week, she is postponing all academics until they return from Christmas break.  No class work, no homework for the entire week. They will work on their Christmas programs.  They will have "reading" time.  They will watch movies and "play".  I am PAYING for this. The note that was sent home explaining this had a misspelled word in it, and some grammatical errors that would make the Grammar Nazi start screaming.  The last time she sent home a piece of paper with a Bible verse for the kids had to copy three times for homework, SHE had copied from the Bible incorrectly.  This was not the first time.  (And for the record, why are 5th graders not looking up the verse themselves, in the Bible that is a required part of their school supplies?!?!)

BLURBS: My Hole, PMS (Pre musical-event syndrome) Vent, Garden

Blurbs:  Here are my blurbs.  I have noticed that I am using this blog mainly as an outlet.  I come here to write when I am sad, angry, frustrated or otherwise having negative emotions.  It's not a fun read.  But it's healing to me.  At least for the moment.  If you've returned here and read my sad, boring, self pitying blog, you must be a special person.

Blurb:  My Hole
I am returning to my hole.  It's my own fault.  I think I have forgotten to take my med's for about a week - maybe longer.  I am not good at taking daily medications - I forget.  I cannot remember the last time I took an entire round of antibiotics.  I know this, so I have an alarm that goes off everyday that plays an obnoxious tune and displays the words "Did you take your medicine?!?!"  I have been in the middle of something everyday when the alarm goes off.  EVERY STINKING DAY.  Usually, I've been on the phone, so I've turned off the obnoxiousness, but never taken the actual meds.  It's catching up with me.  I am taking my 3 little pills (happy pill, iodine and vitamin C) RIGHT NOW.  Done.


Blurb: PMS Vent
Yeah, I have the kind of PMS your thinking about, but more pressing is the Pre Musical-event Syndrome variety.  That, added to the "regular" kind, plus not taking meds -- baaaaad combination.

This time of year, and all the last minute preparation is stressful. The end result is beautiful, and SO worth it!  That pre event stress is actually what led me to becoming so involved in the musical organization that my kids are a part of. 

But, this year.... there have been some extra things leading up to the season of music have made me on edge.   They've frustrated me, and made me angry, they've embarrassed me and made me sad.   Personal Issue:  I can't seem to let go of these things.  I keep rehashing them, because my nature is to want to fix them. A lot of this is not new, but I am coming to the realization that things won't change. It would be ok if "THINGS" would change. There is some saying out there that goes something like "The definition of stupidity is: repeating the same actions over and over and expecting a different result."  Sadly, that could also be the definition of practice.  I am tired of practicing stupidity. I am tired of working my butt off, and then being shot down by people who won't take time to think things through, keep records or plan.

Blurb: Garden
The garden has surprised me.  Things I was giving up on are finally growing FOOD.   This past weekend, I noticed that I had some cauliflower !!  Yay!  The snow peas are blooming and making fruit! Yay!  The turnips look like they might have good roots!  Yay!

Blurb:  Family and Marriage
Well, we knew the travel would be difficult.  It's harder than we expected, but for different reasons.  MightyMo being home is hard.  The girls and I get it done during the week.  It's not always pretty, or perfect or at the time of day someone else might do things, but we work together and get things done.   MightyMo being home has screwed that up, and no one likes it. He has given us all grief because we've inconvenienced him. Grief about whether there is activity in the kitchen past his self-designated bed time, he gave a 45 minute grief lecture over a bad grade without offering ONE way to address it moving forward (all on a night where we got home late, and the grade receiver had not yet started their homework or studying for that evening), he gave me grief (serious grief, not fun grief) about me my coffee cup being too big.   This has upset the girls.

The fact is that those same issues were there before the travel began.  We just didn't realize how much we were walking on eggshells.  Now we do.  I'm not sure what to do about it.  Maybe it's time to go back to the counselor.  I never did take the girls, though I said I would.

Blurb:  Work
I hate going to work.  I've been in the workforce for 30 years -- since I was 14 -- I've NEVER hated work, until the last 6 months.

Blurb:  Getting Old
I am getting old, and it stinks.  The arthritis in my hands has been a real issue the last two weeks.  My herniated disk in my neck is giving me fits, creating numbness and pain so that  I don't sleep well.  I am waking up every night with my entire right arm numb and aching.  I just called the neurologist I wish to see and could not get a direct appointment (they require a referral!).  I utilized personal avenues (I called the doctors wife!) and hopefully someone will call me back.

I'm MELTING....

Help! I'm melting! Everyone can see it!  Things are coming apart at the seams, and I may not be able to hold it together.  I am spread too thin, and I am not doing a good job at anything.

It's the time of year.  Stress.  There are more things to do than there are hours in the day.  What I choose to do to relax, or take time for me,  is like punishment, because I am not doing things that I need to do.

It's this time of year when I am always facing making a gut wrenching choice:  Do I disappoint/shortchange, a couple of people, who I know will love me anyway, or, do I disappoint bunches of people, by letting things fall apart?   I feel like I am melting, when really, really, what I want to do is what I learned REALLY happened to the Wicked Witch (who, as it turns out, wasn't wicked at all); let everyone think I've melted, and then disappear.
 
OK. That is not true either.  But I am feeling the need to run for cover. 

The funny thing is, sometime shortly after the most recent pre-teen hissy fit about the amount of time I was NOT spending with them, I told my girls that I was thinking it was time to step back, and make some changes, and give up some time killing extra-curricular activities that I have.  They were aghast. Where I thought I'd get three cheers, I got a resounding "Noooo!".  I was shocked.

I asked them why, and they said that the knew I loved these things, and that they liked me being involved.  They felt proud when someone would ask "Is that your mom?".  Ok. Wow.

But the fact is, I may have reached my limits.  Not just in time, but limits in my ability to do good.  I am a good doer.  I've done a lot.  I do a lot.  I am not doing a good job in leading.  A good leader would not be DOING as much as I am. A good leader would be having it done.

I feel a little better writing this down. Not sure why, but I guess it's because I have compiled my thoughts.

Blurb-o-rama!

I have wanted to blurb for days, but things keep coming up, and I haven't gotten around to it.  Since my memory has as many holes in as my kitchen colander, I've probably forgotten most of the things, but here goes BLURB-O-RAMA!

Weddings, Brothers and Sister-in-laws:  
Both of my brothers have gotten married within the last 6 weeks.  Since most of my friends and acquaintances don't know either of them, this is sometimes a bit complicated when I talk about the brothers, and their new brides. Anyway, the older of my two brothers and his new wife were in town this weekend.  I always enjoy them.   They got to hear/see the LMNOP Choir perform, the first time either of them had heard them live.

LMNOP and Performance:
I was super impressed with the choir at their performance this past Saturday! Super!   I love the choir.
I am also getting frustrated, I have probably run my mouth too much about my frustrations.  I cannot quite put my finger on my frustrations, but they are real, and they are there.

Garden Blurb:
Most of the garden is looking good.  I cant figure out why some things have just stopped.  I am waiting for more broccoli.  I know I've said it before, but I am enjoying this more than I could have imagined!

Pear Butter Blurb:
I made pear butter this weekend.  It is the bomb!  The bomb!  I went a little nuts and bought a bunch more pears. I was going to make more pear butter, but MightyMo asked me to find a recipe for pear preserves like his grandmother used to make.  (A sign of his 'approval' of the stuff I've been making.)   I am searching. I also will be doing more with apples. (see next blurb!)

Canning Equipment and Amazon Blurb: 
I went a little crazy with my Amazon shopping.  I bought a pressure canner -- a 23 quart!  WooHoo! It should come on the "big brown truck of joy" tomorrow.   I  have no idea what I am going to can in it yet, but I will find something.  I sure didn't want to have the perfect thing to can, only to not have the equipment! ;o
I also bought an apple peeler, some clear-jel, labels for jars that I can personalize. I'm set.

Balancing Act Blurb:
As I somewhat suspected, MightyMo's weekend home weekend required balance. We had Brother & Wife in town, a major football game matchup on TV, and Mighty Mo, all vying for the same limited time slots.  MightyMo wanted us home.  He did not like the idea of me inviting brother & wife and friends over. So to keep peace, I ran back and forth. It was tiring.

Big B's Church Performance Blurb: 
Lesson learned.  Two years in a row she has done this fundraiser.   It's just not fair to have to get up and sing sans any rehearsal with the sound equipment.

Work Blurb:
I was doing so well -- so motivated. Key word: was.  It was short lived. I am working on working.

LMNOP Choir Pecans Blurb:
I have dealt with orders for 1896 pound of pecans.  This weekend, I will actually sort/touch just about every one of those 1896 pounds.

More blurbs later!

Weekend Updates

So many unimportant things, I am not sure where to begin....

Bubba Ford

• TMan was home this weekend to celebrate his 21st birthday, which was a week before (seriously, how many people want to spend their 21st with their mom?) .  He spent most of his time (85%?) with his dads family.  That's okay though.  I understand. We are pretty boring, comparatively speaking.  (Although, it does hurt my feelings a little.)

• Bubba Ford is home!  Bubba Ford is my truck.  I have missed my truck.  I like my truck.  A lot.   I will start fussing about Bubba Ford when he needs to eat.   

•  Garden Updates!!

Broccoli finally showed up in my garden. I was beginning to wonder if the planting was a total bust, so the emergence of the little fuzzy green heads was totally exciting. It really hurt my feelings to pinch off the first bits I saw, but GG said it was necessary in order to promote more heads forming. We'll see. This also gives me hope for my cauliflower and Brussels sprouts.

My romaine lettuce is beginning to bolt.  That stinks, because I just started picking it.  I think I waited too long.  Oh well, live and learn.  I went ahead and planted more lettuces from seed -- a patch of romaine mix and a butter-crunch mix.  I hope that it is not already too cold for it to come up.  I am also seeing my green onions. I took the potato baskets out of the garden and used the last row for the spinach plants I started from seed.  The garden is officially "FULL".  Actually, since the potato baskets are now outside the garden, I guess I have moved into "containers".    :)

My herbs are also coming up nicely.  I ran into some old friends last week, and it turns out they grow and sell herb plants.  I bought a beautiful mint plant from them. He gave me some advice on growing through the winter.  I need to move some things around on my deck to take advantage of the afternoon sun for winter months. Also, I am mentally designing a make-shift "greenhouse" for when frosts come.  I could also use it for starting tomato's and other starter plants in February/March.  I think some concrete blocks, wire shelving, and heavy clear plastic will do it.   

• Work -- Great progress has been made.  Seriously.  Must.keep.going!

•  MightyMo is off again.  His week home was good for the most part, but stressful in someways.  The girls noticed more than I did, I think.  

• The older of my two brothers got married this past week.  It's his 3rd marriage, and this is the right one.  I am convinced.  (Like, I've done such a good job a predicting, in the past. HA!) I am happy about it.  There was no pomp and circumstance -- just a courthouse ceremony.  Pictures were made with an iphone, and distributed via text message. 

Shoe Donations for Soles4Souls

• BigB had an incredible October.  She was selected as her school's student of the month.  Her service project has kicked off, and the response is overwhelming.  We have to figure out what to do with about 400 - 500 pairs of shoes collected for Soles4Souls. We are discussing a possible mission trip to go with S4S to distribute.  We think it would be amazing to see the project through full circle. She made the basketball team at her school.  I am happy for her. She needed something else to do. (Another sarcastic, HA!) Some changes in other areas are forthcoming.  

• I canned applesauce and apple-butter this weekend.  IT IS SOOOO GOOD, and was really easy!  The girls helped, and enjoyed it.    I made the first batch with Splenda, the second with real sugar.  Oh my!  It is yummy!

Me thinks me needs a bigger pot!

Invested in a Food Mill.  
Good decision!

I canned about half into applesauce and made apple-
butter with about half. Here are the sauce jars.

• LMNOP Choir is having its annual fundraiser -- selling pecans!  So,  I am up to my eyeballs in pecan orders!  Uniforms are coming in.  Performances are around the corner.  EVERYTHING.HAPPENS.AT.ONCE!  (or so it seems!)  Deep breaths... one after the other.

• I greatly miss my Caprino. That is what it is, and it's blog worthy. 

The End!  Looking forward to a great week!

I slipped.... And more ramblings

The thing about major changes is that they impact lots of people.   Sometimes it's a very direct impact, like with your family, and sometimes the impact is much less direct.


I have  things on my mind -- big changes I want to make, and I've shared those ideas with a few select people.  The thing is, I am a diplomat, empathetic to the point that it makes me crazy sometimes.  Because of this, I  wish to be VERY careful about the timing and way in which I share my desire to make big changes that will impact others.  One thing is for sure:  Facebook is not the way to do that.  I slipped and made a casual comment on FB.  It made me loose sleep and question whether I should delete it, let it lie, or or what.  I decided that I will let it lie.

I need to refine my plan for the big plan.  Break it down into smaller pieces, so that I can start ticking away at it.  I am finding this hard to do.


I do know that step one is that I have to prioritize work.  I've got to focus and stop daydreaming during the day and get my work life in order.  I really cannot even think about moving forward until I look back and take care of some messes I have out there.  Time frame: if I got REALLY serious, 8-10 weeks.  Theoretically, I could be completely caught up by January 1.

Another part of the plan is a financial plan.  This is a little more difficult, and is many faceted.  It's also the part I have to be able to sell to get MightyMo on board.  I am very much a "if it feels right, it will work, God will look out for us" person.  I can make major decisions based on a combination of  faith, information, and planning. Faith is first, and God has not let me down yet. MightyMo makes decisions on information, planning and faith. And when all the planning and information doesn't pan out, faith has seen him through.

I am not very patient about some things.  (Most things.) I have instant gratification syndrome, and this part of planning is no exception.  I want to be able to have everything happen now.  But the reality is, there is lots to be done.  I have a house to update; it  needs major maintenance to (roof, flooring).  Also, I know, because of 17 years in real estate, to get a quick sale, things have to be right. The price has to be right, and the house has to be staged perfectly.  For my family, these things happening while we are living in the house is somewhere between completely insane and impossible.  We need to get out, fix, stage and sell, and have a back up plan in the event things don't pan out.  I have faith that it will work out.  The question is: where to go.  I'd love to find a "lease-purchase" arrangement that would allow me to get a jump start on my big plan. 

That is all on the "personal" side.  There is a whole separate list of things on the "business" side. Somehow, I think this list is easier, but in reality, it probably isn't. Then, I have the complication of constructing a plan that involves real estate, when I have family in real estate whom I am not ready to involve, but ultimately will not understand if they are not the ones to handle real estate transactions. I don't wish to "use" anyone else,  knowing that I have that issue.

Another thing that hit me like a ton of bricks is that I am within 3 months of needing to make decisions about schooling, particularly for Mojo, for next year. I can postpone the decisions, but there is a financial cost to (in the form of registration fees) to keeping options open. I am torn:  Home school or Magnet School.  This also plays into the "where to go" issue, because if I move out of the county, the magnet school option disappears, and then I have decisions to make about BigB, too.


I've sat here and typed myself into near hysteria at the overwhelmingness of it all. And I know, I've only scratched the surface.  I could go start on step one, but I have issues about attacking step one, without knowing what step two is.  I need the motivation of step 2.

I think I will go hyperventilate now. 

The Blah Blog

I am blah.

The end.

No, actually, I'll add a little more.  For my faithful readers, I want to remind you that this blog is my vent.  It's my creative outlet, and it's my release.  I have no intention of sharing anything important here.  It's just me, getting out whatever is on my mind.  If you wish to have facts, figures or other meaninful information, I direct you www.wikipedia.com.

So, today, I feel BLAH.  I have been very fortunate for the past few years.  My 4 herniated discs (2 in the lumbar area, and two in my neck) have not bothered me much at all.  Recently, though, I have been having numbness and pain from my right shoulder, all the way down my arm. The fingers, especially my thumb, pointer and middle finger, all get the pins and needles sensation.  My arm, mainly the upper arm and shoulder, aches.  It's not much of an issue during the day, but the pain is waking me up at night. Repeatedly. My neurologist told me a few years back that this was actually coming from the bad discs in my neck, and that when it started interfering with daily life, it'd be time for surgery.

Last night I took a proactive Tylenol 3 before I went to bed. I did not want the pain to start.  It seemed like a good idea at the time, but today, I feel pretty rotten about taking it.  But the fact is, that once the pain gets started, medication doesn't seem to knock it out so I can go back to sleep.  The only thing that does is getting up out of bed, and that means I am not sleeping. It's a catch 22.

Today's blah is a combination of not sleeping, plus the lingering effects of the codeine.  It stinks. I feel like I am dragging concrete blocks.  On top of that, my shoulder STILL hurts. 

Time to schedule a doctors appointment. 

Blah.